APHC: Saturday, February 3, 2001

Titanium Hair Gel
Saturday, February 3, 2001
Listen

(GK: Garrison Keillor, TR: Tim Russell, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith)

GK:……Has this ever happened to you? You walk up to the most beautiful woman in the room and say hi and she says ----- SS: Oh. Hi. Nice to see you. ---- and she's looking over your shoulder for someone more interesting? The problem is almost certainly your hair. Today's dynamic new lifestyles demand strong and resilient hair (METALLIC CLANG) not limp and flaccid hair (BLOOP). If you're dissatisfied with your current hair gel, and by the looks of you, I'd say most of you should be, here's a revolutionary new hair preparation that uses titanium. Action film star Brad Spears:

TR: This is lantern-jawed action film star Brad Spears with a timely word about your hair. In my line of work, I need a hair gel that HOLDS UP so that even after I'm slapped hard by a beautiful woman (SLAP) who throws her drink in my face (SPLASH), and sics her bodyguard on me (KUNG FU FIGHT), and throws me through a plate-glass window (FLIGHT AND GLASS BREAKAGE) and I have to escape in my Maserati (CAR TIRES SQUEAL, MOTOR REV) on a harrowing high-speed car chase through darkened streets, and the inevitable fiery car crash (SFX) which I avoid by leaping off the pier into shark-infested waters (SPLASH), to be rescued by helicopter (CHOPPER) and then, in the deserted warehouse (CRY OF VILLAIN) I run into the creep again (KARATE CRIES, BLOWS) and there follows a long gunfight with laser guns (LASER FIRE) and the ammo dump blows up and I get blown through a plate glass window (EXPLOSION, FLIGHT, GLASS) and I land in the seat of a Lamborghini and (SPORTS CAR REV) I race through town with him after me (GUNFIRE) and I take a sharp turn and he runs into the bridge abutment (EXPLOSION), even after all that ---- my hair stays in place, handsome and natural. Thanks to Titanium Gel. That's because titanium is light in weight, to give your hair that lively bounce (SFX); and it's three times stronger than steel (CLANGS), imparting resiliency and toughness unmatched in any hair gel known to mankind. The titanium molecules penetrate deeply into the hair shaft (RATCHETING), strengthening the natural cellular fibers (METAL HAMMERING) and creating curl and bounce you never believed possible (SS: Love your hair.). Titanium hair gel is not sold in stores. Call the number on your screen and order some today on our free 30-day trial. (PHONES) If you're dissatisfied for any reason, simply return the unused portion for a complete refund. Titanium Gel. Call now.