APHC: Saturday, May 19, 2001

Café Boeuf
Saturday, May 19, 2001
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(GK: Garrison Keillor; GK: Tom Keith: TR: Tim Russell; SS: Sue Scott)

----- this portion of our show brought to you by the Cafe Boeuf Laramie with your host, Maurice the maitre'd. Bonjour, Maurice.

GK: Eh?

GK: Bonjour-----

GK: Did you sneeze?

GK: No. I said Bonjour.

GK: Sneezing is not permitted at the Café Boeuf.

GK: Why?

GK: Because it's snot. ----Never mind. Do you wish a table, monsieur?

GK: Oui, monsieur.

GK: A table for three?

GK: No. One.

GK: Indoors or outdoors?

GK: Outdoors.

GK: Very well. Right out this door, monsieur. (OPEN DOOR. TRUCKS PASSING, FAST, ABOUT SIX OF THEM, THEN A SEMI BLOWING ITS HORN GOES BY W. DOPPLER EFFECT)

GK: Never mind, that's all right. I'll sit inside tonight. (DOOR CLOSE)

GK: Right here, monsieur. A table for one.

GK: You wouldn't happen to have a table toward the rear, would you?

GK: You wish to sit on your rear?

GK: In the back of the room----

GK: You afraid to be seen in a French restaurant?

GK: Well, this is Wyoming. People think of French cuisine as --- you know --- a little effete.

GK: EFFETE? You say EFFETE? Whom do you call Effete? (ANGRY FRENCH)

GK: I'm just saying that a lot of Wyomingans might look upon French cuisine as being a little rarefied. Anyway, what do you have tonight, Maurice?

GK: (FRENCH GIBBERISH)

GK: What is that?

GK: What is what?

GK: (GIBBERISH)

GK: What about my wife's moustache?

GK: The dish you said.

GK: You mean (GIBBERISH)?

GK: Yes. What is it?

GK: It is the breast of vulture lightly braised in coyote sauce and served on a bed of basmati tumbleweed. Or we have (2ND GIBBERISH)….

GK: Maurice, I don't mean to insult you but I am an American and we don't go in for eating odd body parts, okay? This isn't the brains of something, is it?

GK: You don't eat brains?

GK: No.

GK: No pig brains?

GK: No.

GK: How would you feel if you gave up your life for people and they didn't care about your mind, they only wanted your butt?

GK: I don't know, it's just that you French consider certain things a delicacy that we don't.

GK: Like what?

GK: Well, that's what I'm wondering. This dish you told me about, this (GIBBERISH) ---- it isn't some weird thing, is it?

GK: (GIBBERISH)? You left your suitcase at the train station?

GK: The second thing you said.

GK: The (GIBBERISH)? It is a great delicacy. The sautéed throats of trout.

GK: Trout throats. What else do you recommend?

GK: (GIBBERISH)

GK: And what is that?

GK: The armpit of a young sheep----

GK: No, thanks----

GK: Stuffed with spinach sautéed in snails----

GK: Could you just bring me a steak?

GK: Yes, of course. How would you like it done?

GK: Very rare, juicy, and still with some coronary function.

GK: Excellent. And how about a nice red wine with that?

GK: Yes.

GK: What would you like?

GK: What do you have?

GK: Everything. What do you want?

GK: Recommend something.

GK: What do you like?

GK: Which wine would you choose if you were me?

GK: I don't know. Something in a carton, I suppose. A little cardboard carton with a plastic straw.

GK: Okay, how about a California wine?

GK: CALIFORNIA WINE????? EH?

GK: Sorry.

GK: AM I WEARING BOAT SHOES, MONSIEUR? HAVE I BLEACHED MY LEG HAIR?

GK: I'm sorry. A Wyoming wine.

GK: That is better. Which Wyoming wine?

GK: Do you have the Cote d'Cody?

GK: Beautiful. (FRENCH ENTHUSIASM) Which year would you like?

GK: '88?

GK: EIGHTY-EIGHT? (FRENCH DISGUST) I would not wash my socks in the '88! (HE SPITS WITH DISDAIN)

GK: '94?

GK: (GIBBERISH, COMME CI COMME CA)

GK: A '97?

GK: (FRENCH GUSTO. ENTHUSIASM)

GK: Good, huh?

GK: (KNOWING FRENCH LAUGH)

GK: It's spring, Maurice. Time to head for the Cafe Boeuf. The home of fine cuisine, the home of l'amour, the home of (KNOWING FRENCH LAUGH)???? (PLAYOFF)