APHC: Saturday, May 19, 2001

Lives of the Cowboys
Saturday, May 19, 2001
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(GK: Garrison Keillor; GK: Tom Keith: TR: Tim Russell; SS: Sue Scott)

(WESTERN THEME)

SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS....brought to you by Trailblazer ---- makers of Trailblazer Training Saddles for Tenderfeet. If you're going horseback riding this summer, get in shape now with a Trailblazer Training Saddle ---- attaches to your office chair and comes with Electric Trot-trot-trot attachment------ and now, here's Dusty & Lefty and today's exciting cowboy adventure.....

(OUTDOOR AMBIENCE, CATTLE. WHOOPS & CRIES. AMBIENCE: WIND.)

GK: Another couple miles and we'll be in Laramie, Dusty. I been looking forward to this for the past hundred and fifty miles. Home of the University of Wyoming.

TR: Sure don't make sense to me, coming through Laramie in May. Liable to run into blizzards.

GK: University town means there's a better chance of finding somebody to talk to who might've read a book in the past six months. At least a book jacket.

TR: Means there's a better chance of finding attractive young women with higher earning potential and tighter jeans.

GK: I'm thinking about enrolling in school myself. The Laramie Academy of Modelling.

TR: You? A model? You been away from mirrors too long, pardner.

GK: In four lessons, they can teach you how to model, a person can get lucrative work just standing around in your underwear. I could devote the rest of the time to my songwriting.

TR: Last time we came to Laramie it snowed in June. Six inches in about fifteen minutes. Around noon it all melted. Around two-thirty, we both got sunstroke. We had winter, spring, and summer all in one day.
(WESTERN THEME)

GK: Exciting town with exciting weather. (BRIDGE) We pushed hard and--- made Laramie about four in the afternoon. (HORSES HOOVES, TROTTING, THEN WHOAS, THEN SLOW TO WALK) A pretty town with the Rockies off in the distance. ----Look out, Dusty! (CAR GOES BY, HONKING, HORSE WHINNY) --- Easy, Easy. Just somebody from Jackson Hole. In a hurry to get to his tanning salon.

TR: Which hole you say?

GK: Jackson.

TR: Oh. That hole.

GK: Laramie seems sort of deserted.

TR: Not many people out.

GK: Maybe they remember that big snowstorm last May.

TR: There's a saloon, let's stop in and see what's what. (WHOAS & WHINNIES, HOOVES STOP. CREAK OF DISMOUNT. FOOTSTEPS ON BOARDWALK) The Buckhorn, eh? Judging from the bullet holes in the door, I'd say it's a place where folks ain't afraid to express themselves. (DOOR OPEN, CAMPTOWN RACES, FOOTSTEPS ACROSS FLOOR) Afternoon, ma'am. Lovely bar you have here..

SS: Yep.

GK: Always a big treat for us, coming to Laramie. But could you do me a favor?

SS: Maybe.

GK: If I give you a dollar, could you make the piano-player stop playing Camptown Races?

SS: Dollar and a half?

GK: It's a deal. (COINS ON BAR)

SS: Hey, Guido! (THREE GUNSHOTS. THREE CHORDS AS PIANO IS SHOT. SILENCE)

GK: Thanks.

SS: No problem.

GK: I like music up to a point and then I start to treasure silence.

SS: Yessir.

GK: You serve alcoholic beverages here?

SS: Yep.

GK: I'd have me a glass of single-intestine rotgut whiskey. How about you, Dusty? You care for a libation?

TR: I'll have a glass of single-gut.

SS: Okay. (SHE POURS)

GK: How come the town is so deserted, ma'am? Didn't see anybody on the streets.

SS: Lot of people had to go home this afternoon.

GK: How's that?

SS: Wind stopped blowing and they fell over.

GK: And they went home?

SS: Had to lie down.

GK: How's that?

SS: Wyoming people can't stand upright without a wind to stand against.

GK: Is that right?

SS: Don't know if it's right, but it's the truth. In Rock Springs they lean to the west and in Cody they lean to the north and in Cheyenne, the state capital, they go pretty much wherever the wind blows em.

TR: This is darned good rotgut. (BELCH)

GK: You know, there's a certain savoir-faire about you, ma'am, that suggests you may have been a professional model in the not too distant past…

SS: Me? Ha.

GK: There's a certain angularity, a certain waif-like fragility, a glow about you----

SS: That ain't a glow. That's hot flashes.

GK: ....that suggests you may be an alumna of the Laramie Academy of Modeling.

SS: Never heard of it.

GK: I too aspire to a career in fashion.

TR: You? Aspire? All I seen you do is perspire.

GK: I wasn't talking to you, I'm talking to her.

TR: The day you become a model is the day pigs fly. You couldn't model for an Army surplus in Saskatchewan.

GK: I'm not listening to you.

TR: Only thing you could model would be boots. If they only shot you from the knees down.

GK: Pay him no heed, ma'am. My pardner is stupefied from fourteen days of riding downwind of cattle. (STRUM GUITAR)

TR: Suffering succotash!

SS: Mighty nice looking guitar you got there, mister.

TR: Wait til you hear him play it. (TUNING)

GK: I didn't get your name, ma'am.

SS: That's cause I didn't tell you.

GK: Anyways, I wrote this song for you.

I'm just an old cowboy with a bow-legged gait
And I've come to town for to find me a mate,
A lady who's looking for an ornery cuss
Who will turn lonely me into fortunate us.

I'm gonna make myself slender, and cool,
A gentleman cowboy of means,
A graduate of a modeling school.
In my Ralph Lauren chaps and my Calvin Klein jeans
In a black shirt and tie from DKNY
And a pair of designer boots, too.
Oh my darling, if'n these gold spurs from Tiffany's
Don't win your heart what shall I do?

You are the reason I came here to Laramie,
Please won't you marry me?

We'll ride to the preacher's and there say our vows
Sitting on horses, surrounded by cows.
He'll say, "Do you take her?" and I'll say, "You bet"
And we'll ride off into the sunset.
I'll take you away to the big wedding dance
A shine on my boots and a crease in my pants.
Last week you wouldn't have given me the chance,
Last week I was covered with dust and manure,
But now I am haute couture.

You are the reason I came here to Laramie,
Please won't you marry me?

TK (OFF): Hey!

GK: Who? Me?

TK (OFF): You.

GK: What about me?

TK: You stink.

GK: Well, I just come in off the trail.

(SLOW FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)

TK: I'm referring to your singing. You stink. You're plumb awful.

GK: Well, that's hardly a kind or helpful comment to make.

TK: It's the truth. You sound like a wounded bison.

GK: Well, perhaps you haven't heard that many singers, sir.

TK: Here, maybe this'll improve yer pitch --- (HE SWINGS. GK REACTION)

(FOOTSTEPS AWAY, DOOR SLAM)

GK: This is a tough state for musical criticism. (DOOR OPEN)

TK: What you say, mister?

GK: I said, the critics around here don't cut a man much slack.

TK: Oh yeah. (GUNSHOT) And let that be a lesson to you. (DOOR SLAM)

GK: Boy, what kind of a thing is this? That man just shot me in the head.

TR: He just creased you.

GK: And you just stood and watched him do it.

TR: I was in shock.

GK: Think how I felt.

TR: Here's some ice…

GK: There's no hole there?

TR: Just a crease.

GK: How in the world am I going to get into modeling school with a crease down the middle of my head.

SS: You could go get your hair styled.

GK: Where?

SS: Bruce of Laramie Hair Salon.

GK: Who is he?

SS: Bruce? He's the one who just shot you in the head.

GK: Well, I ain't gonna go to him. Guess I'll just wait for it to grow out.

TR: This is the best rotgut whiskey I ever had. Gimme another.

GK: When you get off work, ma'am, you think that you and me might be able to take us a little walk down past the modeling school?

SS: Don't think that'd be a good idea.

GK: No?

SS: Bruce is my husband.

GK: Oh.

SS: And besides, there ain't no modeling school.

GK: No? But I saw the sign----The Laramie Academy of Modeling.

SS: It's The Laramie Academy of Yodeling.

GK: Oh. (TWO BEATS) Yodeling. (TWO BEATS)

TR: You could stand around in your underwear and yodel.

SS: You care for another single-gut?

GK: Sure. (YODEL)

(THEME)

TR: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS......brought to you by Trailblazer Trainer Saddles…..the name to trust when it comes to trainer saddles. (WHINNY) (MUSIC OUT)