APHC: Saturday, May 19, 2001

The Spotted Ass
Saturday, May 19, 2001
Listen

She was out, she explained, from Manhattan
Had long wanted to visit the West
"Well, ma'am, mighty glad you could make it,"
He said, pulling his Skoal from his vest

They'd both chanced to sit at Gert's counter
This chic, couth and cultured young lass
And the old packer, Roy, who said, "I'm from Dubois"
"I'm here to show my spotted ass!"

She patted her lips with her napkin
No words came to mind "apropos"
So she sniffed and she coughed, held her eyebrows aloft
And ventured a tentative "Oh?"

"Well, I don't mean to sound like I'm braggin',"
He said as he pinched off a chew
"But last year mine won Confirmation
And placed in Agility, too!"

"'Course, it takes time and trainin'," he added
"That well-muscled look don't come free
But for balance and workin in tandem
Mine's the pair, ma'am, that you oughta see."

"Really!" she managed to sputter
While smoothing her hair into place
Her manicured nails drummed her Gucci-
If only she'd thought to pack Mace!

But just then Gert came by with coffee
And said, "I'll be right with you, hon"
And the New Yorker part of her rallied-
This little exchange was not done!

She inhaled and straightened her shoulders
A street-hardened gleam filled her eyes
Then forcing a smile she leaned toward him
And said in a voice worldwise:

"We've clubs in New York for such…hobbies"
"I went once with my friend, Elaine"
"All sizes and shapes pranced before us
In black leather harness and chain"

"We ogled and cheered on our favorites
Mine being two twins, 'Chip' and 'Dale'
Not many were what you'd call 'spotted'
In fact, most were really quite-pale."

"Albinos!" he gasped, "Weren't you lucky!"
"Why, I've only seen one in my life!"
"A cute little thing that could bray on command-
Belonged to the minister's wife!"

"She was proud of it, too, let me tell you"
"And, much as her husband allowed,
She showed it at fairs and conventions
And afterward posed for the crowd!

"Uncanny!" she answered, "I just read
A story in 'Cosmo' on this
It was called 'The Bare Facts: An Intimate Look
At Today's Exhibitionists'"

"It interviewed novice and expert
"Showed scenes from the old Moulin Rouge
"Quoted a noted consultant
"Who said it could grow to be huge!"

"Oh, it's popular alright," he nodded
"I hear Oprah's got herself a pair
And last year out on the campaign trail
Our governor kissed his fair share!"

"I must say," she replied, "It's intriguing"
This 'subculture' you belong to
And, I hate to admit, but those spots upon yours are, well,
Something I'd quite like to view!"

"Ma'am, I'd be honored," he answered
"My trailer is parked just outside
What say you and me postpone breakfast
And I show you one well-spotted hide!"

"Why not," she said after a short pause
"There can't be much harm in one glance"
"This could be one exciting vacation
And to think poor Elaine went to France!"

And so out the café they headed
And though no one witnessed a thing
Roy left town that day with a shiner
And his prizewinning ass-in a sling!

"Tourists," he said to his packer friend Ted,
"That's one bunch it's best to let be"
"But should you get tangled with one, for God's sakes
Don't ever bring up your stud fee!"

"Think of 'em as a coiled rattler--
Don't be fooled by their manners and class
And when one of 'em starts in to swingin' her purse
Duck first, and then cover your ass!