APHC: Saturday, February 23, 2002

Weather Radio
Saturday, February 23, 2002
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(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell, FN: Fred Newman; RD: Rich Dworsky)

GK: … Winter. It's one more good reason to stay home. And when you need to stay home, there's the Weather Radio from Personal Electronics. It's a little black box, you keep it on your kitchen table, when you need it, just press the switch and it plays:

TR (ON RADIO. STATIC UNDER) This is Sergeant Roy Buckman of the Highway Patrol with today's road report. Roads are extremely treacherous and anyone stupid enough to drive is going to be skidding around like loose buckshot. No unnecessary driving. This means you. Stay home. (CLICK)

GK: The same message plays every day from Thanksgiving to April 1st. So if there's a baby shower, a PTA meeting, a recital by your niece and her Suzuki group, if your wife really really really wants you to attend her book club, just press the switch.

TR (ON RADIO, STATIC UNDER): This is Sergeant Roy Buckman with an update on driving conditions. Cars are overturned in ditches, people are spending the night in schools, cattle are bunching up against fences. Thinking about driving? Don't be nuts.

GK: That's one switch on the Weather Radio and the other is----

SS (ON RADIO, STATIC UNDER): Chance of light snow flurries, temperatures moderating, roads in excellent driving condition. Have a nice day.

GK: And no matter which you choose, people will believe it because they heard it on a RADIO. (FN ECHO OF "RADIO")

SS (IOWA): But we were supposed to go to Naomi's tonight for potluck dinner-----

TR (IOWA): Sure and slide off into the ditch and spend the next week there in an overturned car trying to melt snow for water and living off one dish of sausage and tater tots. Whatever you want--- you want to go and risk a tragedy --- fine, we'll go.

SS (IOWA): Well, what does the Highway Patrol say?

TR (IOWA): I don't know, let's find out.

TR (ON RADIO, STATIC UNDER): Cars strewn like matchsticks, trucks in the------ explosions lighting up the------ O my God, the humanity, ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to have to----- (HEAVY WAVY STATIC)

GK: Lots of winter ahead here in the Midwest, so there's plenty of opportunity to use your Weather Radio and with the purchase of each radio, you'll get three months of sports cable absolutely free --- the Golf Channel (SWING, BALL KONK), the Badminton Channel (RAPID SWISHES OF RACQUET), the Curling Network (LONG LOW RUMBLE OF SLIDING STONE), the Ping Pong Channel (SLOW PINGPONG VOLLEY), the Dwarf Tossing Channel (LITTLE VOICE, IN FLIGHT, LONG ARC), the Fishing Channel (BLIP OF BOBBER DROPPED IN WATER, SLIGHT DRIPPING), and the Children's Sports Channel (TR: HEY, REF! WHERE'D YOU LEARN ABOUT HOCKEY, IDIOT? FROM PARENTS MAGAZINE?? FN BOY: Daddy, please---- TR: YOU COME UP IN THE STANDS, I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT CROSS CHECKING IS) --- It's all there in one cable sports package, yours with the purchase of a Weather Radio from Personal Electronics. People believe it. Why? Because it's RADIO (FN ECHO "RADIO")