SFX - Tom Keith
Saturday, March 9, 2002
Listen

(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell, TK:Tom Keith; RD: Rich Dworsky)

(FOG HORN) (MUSIC)

GK: Yes, it's time to reserve your stateroom for The Inner Passage, Tom Keith's popular summer cruise on Lake Superior, (SURF, GULLS) the world's largest freshwater lake. Two sun-splashed fun-filled weeks (WHOOPEE) aboard the S.S. Voyeur (TK: Voyageur), the S.S. Voyageur, sailing from Duluth Harbor along the beautiful rockbound North Shore (SURF). You'll see Two Harbors (FOG HORN), the petting zoo at Schroeder (DEER), the Elks Lodge at Lutsen (ELK), and the Split Rock Lighthouse (FOGHORN). And when you're not soaking up the scenery, you can relax in the spacious swimming pool (DIVING BOARD, SPLASH) or soak in the Jacuzzi (BUBBLING) or dine in our award-winning restaurant (TK BRIT: Your table, sir) or enjoy our sports deck with ping-pong (PING PONG), trapshooting (TRAP, SHOTGUN), driving range (SWING, KONK), badminton (SWISHES), hopscotch (HOPPING, SLIDING), bingo (P.A: B-29), Parcheesi (DICE), and Go Fish (DEALING CARDS). Or you can take mambo lessons in the Boom Boom Room (LATIN PERC, CRIES OF PLEASURE) or study conversational French (FRENCH GIBBERISH). And of course your spiritual needs are tended to by our staff of holistic masseuses (INTENSE PLEASURE). Our first stop? Isle Royale where we'll visit herds of moose (MOOSE). Next, we'll head for Thunder Bay (THUNDER, LIGHTNING), but what is this? A sudden storm comes up (HIGH WINDS) and suddenly the ship is tossing and rolling (CRIES OF TERROR, CRASHING, BREAKING) as the waves crash against the hull (SURF CRASHING) and a rescue helicopter (CHOPPER) comes in, bringing Tom Keith himself to take the helm…

(TK: Steady as she goes! VOICES REPEAT. MORE SURF CRASHING) and he lashes himself to the wheel (WHIPPING OF ROPE) and stays there through the dark and stormy night (THUNDER, LIGHTNING) until morning dawns in clear sky over a lake as smooth as glass (GULL), and our ship continues its journey to scenic Sault Ste. Marie with its large wapiti herds (SFX), Marquette with its world-famous impalas (SFX) and the friendly Upper Peninsula of Michigan (TK: Hi dere), and the famous Apostle Islands. What about swimming? Lake Superior is a coldwater lake but in the Apostle Islands we'll stop for a week at beautiful St. Thomas and St. John, a tropical paradise caused by nuclear power plant discharges. (TROPICAL BIRDS, MONKEYS) The ship slowly cruises among the palm-tree covered islands when suddenly (MONSTER RISES FROM DEEP) an immense bloodthirsty monster all green and slimy rises up from the deep (MONSTER), the result of some genetic mutation, perhaps nuclear-related, and he snatches a lifeboat from the deck (MONSTER, CRUNCH) and eats it (CHEWING WOOD), and now Captain Keith faces the creature alone, a harpoon in his hand----- (TK: Take this, you wretch! (FLINGS HARPOON. STICKS IN FLESH. WOUNDED MONSTER) ---- and the water turns red, as the ship turns and sets sail for the homeward leg to Duluth and all too soon our cruise comes to an end and we must bid farewell to our shipboard friends and our host (TK: Bye……bye…..bye…..so long…….bye…….bye……..goodbye…….bye……..bye) as the sun sinks over Duluth and we disembark, with so many memories recorded on film (TK: Oh no! Look out! (SPLASH). Well, there's always next year. Reserve now. The Inner Passage. Tom Keith's big Lake Superior summer cruise experience. (SHIP HORN)

© Garrison Keillor 2002