American Duct Tape Council
Saturday, June 8, 2002
Listen


(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; FN: Fred Newmann)

GK: We'll be back, right after the following message sponsored by the American Duct Tape Council, in behalf of the Office of Homeland Security. (MARCH, ORGAN) Everyday, in airports across the country, people are asked to carry something aboard a plane by someone unknown to them -----

TR (FOREIGN): Pssssst. Do me a favor and take this cardboard box, and don't tell anybody I gave it to you, okay?

SS: Hmmmm…..Dark glasses. Turban. Funny shoes with toes that curl up ---- Okay. What the heck?

GK: A person should never accept something from someone unknown to you ----- especially when you're about to go through security----

TR (FOREIGN): Listen. Big big favor---- this package must get to Beirut. And fast.

SS: A long package, looks like curtain rods maybe. ---Okay. Sure.

GK: Don't accept carry-ons from people unknown to you. And remember: many terrorists pose as elderly people.

SS (OLD LADY): Would you mind carrying this aboard for me, sonny? My arthritis just kicked in.

GK: That's why airport security makes a point of stopping the elderly and frisking them and X-raying their shoes. Because senile dementia is a good cover for a cunning terrorist.

SS (OLD LADY): What city is this? Excuse me---- can you help? (MUSIC)

TR: This is Captain Rock Jaggers, Office of Homeland Security. Senior citizens may appear harmless but many of them wear orthopedic shoes with big heavy heels that could kill someone. A cane is a deadly weapon in the hands of a senior trained in cane karate ---- a walker could be used to pin a security person to the floor. Viagra could be used to distract a flight attendant.

GK: Keep an eye out for elderly who seem anxious, uneasy, agitated----

FN (GEEZER): All my life, a faithful Presbyterian, and now it's time to take off the mask. Allah is great, there is no god but Allah! (WHIPPING OF CANE)

GK: Don't accept things from people you don't know. And remember: always pack your suitcase yourself. If someone comes to your hotel room offering to do it for you, report them to security.

FN (FOREIGN): Good morning. I am your bag packer. Leave everything to me. I will do it all. No need to tip. It is free service. My pleasure.

GK: Packing your bag yourself is the first rule of safe travel. Never let someone else do it, even if it's someone you love very much.

SS (OLD LADY): Here, honey. I can pack that for you.

TR: Mother---- please.

SS (OLD LADY): Don't you trust your own mother, honey?

TR: Mother, when I go to the ticket counter and they ask me, I want to be able to answer truthfully, that yes, I packed it myself.

SS (OLD LADY): Oh honey---

TR: And while I'm on the subject, Mom --- I'd like to know more about why you've started wearing a chador---

SS (OLD LADY): This little black veil? You don't like it?

GK: Let's review those rules again. Do not accept things from strangers.

TR (FOREIGN): Here is a gift for you. A surprise! So do not open until you are on plane, okay?

GK: And pack your bags yourself.

SS (MOM): Let me help you, honey.

FN: Mother, I can do it myself. ---- (MARCH, RISING)

TR: Here in the Office of Homeland Security, your safety is our number one priority --- and just to be extra safe, why not seal your suitcase after you've packed it--- with duct tape. This message brought to you by the American Duct Tape Council.(MUSIC OUT)

© Garrison Keillor 2002

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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