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Red Alert (ORGAN CHORD) TR: Summer is a time to relax….sit back…..chill. But
you don't want to get so relaxed that you can't deal with something that
comes up suddenly ----- like a Siberian tiger escaped from the zoo (SNARL),
carnivorous fish in the swimming pool (FISH FROTHING), a demented elephant
(SFX), vampire bats (WINGS, BATS). One more reason why your hot-weather
drink should be (DARTH VADER BREATH) RED ALERT ---- the Summer Refresher
with gingko biloba, to quicken your response time. You're in a chaise
longue by the swimming pool and suddenly large blackbirds dive at your
head (SFX), a meteorite heads for earth (SFX), a rabid dog lunges for
your throat (SNARLING), Jehovah's Witnesses come to the door (FN: Hi.
The world is ending on Tuesday. You know that?), your wife calls (SS:
We're supposed to be there in ten minutes!) or your boss (FN ON PHONE:
You got that Conex report finished?), or a cougar leaps from the garage
(SNARL) ----- you don't want to be relaxed, you want to be drinking (DARTH
VADER BREATH) RED ALERT……with ginkgo biloba. Everyone tells
you to relax. (SS: Take it easy. GK: Take a load off. SS: Close your eyes.
GK: Don't worry about a thing. SS: Enjoy yourself. GK: Relax.) But there's
something out there, waiting to strike. An accountant. (FN: AHA!) A dork
in a shiny blue suit with dandruff on the shoulders is poring over your
company report and found evidence that you've overstated your earnings
(FN: AHA!). You don't want to be dozing on the patio when they come after
you. (SS: Craig!! There's a letter from the IRS! Certified mail!). You
want to be ready to do battle. (SWIFT KUNG FU CHOPS AND CRIES) With RED
ALERT. (DARTH VADER BREATH) (BUTTON) © Garrison Keillor 2002 |
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Now Available:
A Christmas Blizzard
GK's New Holiday Story
A comic novella about a Hawaii-bound holiday traveler who ends up stranded in his North Dakota hometown.
Audio edition also available»
The Prairie Home cruise has become legendary on two of the Seven Seas and now is setting sail on a third, a weeklong spring break cruise of the western Caribbean along the Mexican coast, and it leaves March 14 from Tampa.
Stories of a Wobegon romance far from home, all delivered with Garrison Keillor's trademark humor.
Read the first chapter»Signed Copies Available»
The latest collection of Lake Wobegon short stories gathered from live broadcasts include Confirmation Sunday, the church directory photos, Pastor Ingqvist's leather bound sermons along with song lyrics and the "95 Theses," among others. Companion audio also available.
Order now!»