APHC: Saturday, November 23, 2002

Ketchup Advisory Board
Saturday, November 23, 2002
Listen

(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; FN: Fred Newman)

GK:…brought to you by the Ketchup Advisory Board. (PIANO)

TR: These are the good years for Barb and me. The kids have their own health insurance so their treatment programs and therapy is nothing we need to know about. Our daughter left us a long message on our voice mail screaming at us about our manipulative mind games, but --- you know, you just press the numeral 7 and it's all gone. Barb joined a group called The Pine Cone Community of Psychic Abundance and the next day I discovered an additional 100,000 miles on our frequent flyer account. We should have been happy, and then one night I found Barb weeping softly into her chamomile tea. What's wrong, honey?

SS: Oh, Jim. I've been in this 12-step program for nutmeg dependency and I just don't think I'm ready for Thanksgiving.

TR: Nutmeg?

SS: It's been a problem all my life. I never realized it until we were up at that resort this summer and I ate all those cookies and got high and you found me at 3 a.m. trying to hitch a ride to the grocery store.

TR: Stop torturing yourself, Barb, and just turn your life over to a Higher Power.

SS: I already did and ---- that Higher Power is also the Creator of nutmeg.

TR: Can't you switch to cinnamon? Or ground cloves?

SS: I need to achieve nutmeg sobriety, Jim, if I'm going to your sister's for Thanksgiving. I don't want to have a repeat of last year.

TR: Don't think about it.

SS: I was fine through dinner. And then she brought out that pumpkin pie and before I knew what I was doing, I was ----- (SHE SOBS)

TR: Barb, please----

SS: I'd crawled up on the table and spread my body over it and I was snarling at everyone like a mama lion over the carcass of a wildebeest----

TR: It's all right----

SS: Maybe I should just stay home with a turkey sandwich and some tapioca pudding----

TR: Barb. All you really need is ketchup. Ketchup fills that emptiness between the burger of our heart and the spiritual bun. It has natural mellowing agents that make you realize that, for people in our situation, we're doing pretty well. This is as good as it gets.

SS: Oh, Jim!

RD: These are the good years so let us all give thanks.
We have a roof above our head, even though it is the bank's.
Life is flowing like ketchup on your franks.

GK: Ketchup. For the good times.