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Thanksgiving in NYC (MUSIC) Over the river and through the woods, And the waiter serves the lovely hors d'oeuvres GK: When I was a kid, I always wanted to spend Thanksgiving Day
in New York because I knew how classy it must be. It is pretty swank,
isn't it? How many of you here have a personal staff? Let's see a show
of hands. Amazing. About two-thirds. Here's your thanks. SS (ACTRESSLY): The flowers are exquisite, Phelps. Just exquisite.
I'll await the guests in the library. And open the white Bordeaux, please. SS: We're having Mary and Dean Martin and Roy and Ginger Rogers
and Esther and Tennessee Williams. And Broderick and Cindy Crawford. FN (TEEN): Oh, wow. SS: It's going to be absolutely exquisite. GK: We never used the word "exquisite." Exhausted, yes.
Ex-lax, sure. And we served no wine, because our bodies were temples of
the Holy Spirit, and also you had to keep a clear head because blizzards
came up suddenly (WOLVES) and you might have to go searching for relatives
(SS: Elmer!!??? Gladys!!!??? Lois???!!!). You people had your dinner
around a table of worldly sophisticates (ALL: LIGHT SOPHISTICATED LAUGHTER)
and there was wine (POP CORK) and flaming dessert (POOF OF FLAME, ALL
OOOOHH) and your relatives weren't like my relatives --- I had the aunt
who sat and chuckled to herself (SS DEMENTED AUNT) and the uncle who sold
insurance----(TR: How's your coverage for loss of limb and disfigurement?
How about eyeball loss? What's the payment for that? Or for your ear being
chewed off?)--- and the cousin who brought firearms to the table --- (FN:
This is yer 20 caliber ---- CARTRIDGE SPINS ---- boy, this baby packs
a punch. Put that cigarette in your mouth, Florence.) and the cousin who
had visions --- (SS: Look! It's Saint Agnes! She's hovering over
the Jello!) and the uncle who discussed his ailments (TR: Boy,
I been coughing up phlegm like crazy ---- kind of yellowish, like egg
yolk --- but with these big clots in it) --- whereas your relatives were
college graduates (SS: I was reading Schopenhauer last week and
there was the most extraordinary---SHE FADES---passage, let me see if
I can remember it) and after dinner your Uncle Cuthbert got up and made
an announcement ---- GK: Whereas out in our home on the frozen tundra, we just sat
around the table and Daddy read a chapter from Jeremiah --- TR: Verily, verily, sayeth the Lord, if thou shalt partake of
the grape and eat of the flesh of that which liveth in a shell, the Lord's
wrath shall come down on thee ---- or if thou shalt leave lights burning
in rooms in which there are no occupants thereof, his judgement shall
be harsh. GK: And afterward we sat in the flickering lantern light and thought
dark thoughts. TR: I've often wondered, what if the Holsteins should go berserk
and come after us in the night --- boy, they'd be through that door so
fast --- cows coming up the stairs and we'd have to go out the bedroom
windows and there'd be other demented cows out there and they'd stomp
us to bloody ribbons in no time flat. SS: I'd like to maybe go to town tomorrow, if I'm still alive,
and if I'm not, could you remember to go to town and visit grandma and
grandpa's grave and stand there and cry for a while? Would you do that
for me? GK: They were dark people. Your people were people of wit and
merriment who knew how to have fun---- ALL (ARM IN ARM): THROUGH ALL KINDS OF WEATHER, GK: My people were not like that. They were dark. A feast day
of thanksgiving, but not my people---- SS: The gravy doesn't taste right to me. I wonder if it could
be smallpox. GK: So that's why our show is in New York today, so we can bask
in some of that reflected elegance of our wealthy audience who came in
from Westchester and Greenwich and Fairfield and Montclair for our show
today and just a reminder to you that it takes a few minutes after the
show for the band and the cast and I to bring your cars up from the garage
to the curb, so thank you for your patience----(MUSIC) Over the river and through the woods, © Garrison Keillor 2002 |
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Now Available:
A Christmas Blizzard
GK's New Holiday Story
A comic novella about a Hawaii-bound holiday traveler who ends up stranded in his North Dakota hometown.
Audio edition also available»
The Prairie Home cruise has become legendary on two of the Seven Seas and now is setting sail on a third, a weeklong spring break cruise of the western Caribbean along the Mexican coast, and it leaves March 14 from Tampa.
Stories of a Wobegon romance far from home, all delivered with Garrison Keillor's trademark humor.
Read the first chapter»Signed Copies Available»
The latest collection of Lake Wobegon short stories gathered from live broadcasts include Confirmation Sunday, the church directory photos, Pastor Ingqvist's leather bound sermons along with song lyrics and the "95 Theses," among others. Companion audio also available.
Order now!»