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NYC: SFX (BUSY TRAFFIC AMBIENCE, SOME HORNS, CARS PASSING, A BUS. WHINNY) (FRED WILL DO PASSING VEHICLES THROUGHOUT SCRIPT, IN ADDITION TO THOSE
INDICATED) (MAURICE WILLIAMS: GK: Hey, don't block the sidewalk, okay? I got customers coming.
(STREET ORGAN, MONKEY) GK: Hey, take it someplace else---- this is the carriage stand,
okay? You hear what I'm saying? (GRAVEL VOICED STREET GUYS PASSING, ANOTHER BOOMBOX, BICYCLE PASSES,
HORN, FOOTSTEPS) (MINNESOTA GUY GK: Yeah, that's it. Sixth Avenue. (MINNESOTA GUY GK: Don't mention it. (PIGEONS) Hey! Get off the seat! (PIGEON
FLURRY, AND FLY AWAY) MB: Is this carriage available? GK: Yes, of course. Climb up. MB: Your horse looks kind of tired. GK: Been a hard day for her too. MB: How much? GK: For you? Fifty bucks. MB: Fifty! GK: Without the narration, thirty. MB: That's better. (CREAK, SHE SETTLES IN) GK: I apologize for the smell. She's been having some gas problems.
(GIDDYUP, TAPE OF HORSE RIDE STARTS) (TRAFFIC PASSING) Where you from?
MB: Minnesota. Duluth. GK: Ahh. I knew somebody who went there once. Said it was cold.
MB: It's great. GK: It is, isn't it. Yeah. (DISTORTED CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON OUTDOOR
SPEAKER) Specially this time of year. (STREET ORGAN. TAP DANCERS) This
is where the street musicians hang out. (MANDOLIN, PLAYING SANTA LUCIA)
Even more of them in the summer. Down there is Starbucks. Oughta call
it Tenbucks. (FIRST CAR ALARM) On your left is the Plaza Hotel, home to
the stars ---- the golden statue there is a statue of General Sherman
and the fountain is where Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald used to jump in when
they were in the mood ---- here on the right is the statue of Jose Marti,
a second baseman for the New York Mets, and we'll head into the Park.
(HEAVY METAL ON PASSING BOOMBOX) Manhattan is an Indian word meaning "place
of general inebriation." A city with a drink named after it. New
Yorkers never refer to "New York" ---- they just call it "The
City". Even if they're in London. Which they never are, because if
you're from the City, why would you? (JACKHAMMER) (AIR WRENCH, BULLDOZER,
MEN CALLING) CONSTRUCTION: SAWS, HAMMERS) New York, always building. Always on the move. People come to New York
so they can make enough money to move out of New York. (CAR PASSES, LOUD
CAR RADIO, BASS TURNED UP) It's a place where you have $500 cars with
a $4,000 stereo systems. (SECOND CAR ALARM) Building over there is the
El Dorado. Ethical Culture Society is up there. That's the Jewish version
of Unitarian. Also known as A.W.C. -- Atheists With Children. A very tolerant
city, New York. They never refer to homosexuality as a disease here. GK: Just in time for Christmas. A godsend. A ready-made excuse
not to have to drive to your relatives on Long Island. It's like a prisoner
on death row getting a call from the governor. (STREET TRANSISTOR RADIO
PASSING) MB: New Yorkers don't like Christmas? GK: Well, they do and they don't. The problem is, it didn't take
place here. (PIGEONS) Hey, get offa there. (THIRD CAR ALARM) MB: You mind if I ask a personal question? GK: I was hoping you would. MB: Are you from Minnesota too? GK: How'd you know? MB: Just a hunch. And there's a gopher on your cap. GK: Yeah, I'm from there. (2ND CONSTRUCTION SITE, PASSING. DRILLS.
HAMMERS. MEN'S VOICES) MB: New Yorkers aren't like us, are they. GK: No. MB: Nobody here seems to know what county they live in. GK: I've noticed that. MB: They don't know how big an acre is. Or what a speed limit
GK: Yeah, I guess they figured speed limits would sort of take
care of themselves. (TUG BOAT, DISTANT) When the wind is right, you can
hear the harbor. And smell New Jersey. (FOURTH CAR ALARM. BOOMBOX PASSING) MB: And they do all the things we were taught not to do. They
walk and talk while eating, they have Pepsi for breakfast, and they interrupt.
GK: If you don't interrupt, they think you're MB: Expensive here, isn't it. GK: Yeah. Hotel rooms are so expensive, there oughta be an option
to buy. MB: But there's a lot of old people---- GK: Who you talking about? MB: Old people. In their seventies. GK: Oh. Them. Yeah. It's nice for old people. Lot of museums,
movies ---- everything within walking distance. And people can only visit
if you buzz them up. Here's the Zoo coming up----- (ZOO: MONKEYS, SEALS, POLAR BEAR) MB: Is it still legal to smoke here? GK: Outdoors? Yeah. Go ahead. MB: I heard there was a big demonstration at City Hall protesting
the new anti-smoking law. GK: Oh? MB: It only lasted about three minutes and everyone had to sit
down and rest. GK: Speaking of which---- we've come to the end. MB: How much do I owe you? GK: Hey, it was my pleasure. (BOOMBOX PASSING) MB: Thanks. GK: You're welcome, Miss Bamford. (BICYCLE PASSES, HORN) MB: You know my name? GK: I recognized you from the radio. Merry Christmas. (MUSIC BUTTON,
BAND) © Garrison Keillor 2002 |
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Now Available:
A Christmas Blizzard
GK's New Holiday Story
A comic novella about a Hawaii-bound holiday traveler who ends up stranded in his North Dakota hometown.
Audio edition also available»
The Prairie Home cruise has become legendary on two of the Seven Seas and now is setting sail on a third, a weeklong spring break cruise of the western Caribbean along the Mexican coast, and it leaves March 14 from Tampa.
Stories of a Wobegon romance far from home, all delivered with Garrison Keillor's trademark humor.
Read the first chapter»Signed Copies Available»
The latest collection of Lake Wobegon short stories gathered from live broadcasts include Confirmation Sunday, the church directory photos, Pastor Ingqvist's leather bound sermons along with song lyrics and the "95 Theses," among others. Companion audio also available.
Order now!»