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Guy Noir (THEME) TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets,
but high above the empty streets, on the 12th floor of the Acme Building,
one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions
--- Guy Noir, Private Eye --- (MUSIC) GK: It all started one morning when I went looking for the dry
cleaners to get a pistachio stain removed from my good gray fedora which
happened when a terrorist tried to take over one elevator in the Acme
Building. TR (DESPERATE, KIRK DOUGLAS): Okay, everybody. Just hold it right
there and no sudden moves and nobody gets hurt. I don't want to use this
but believe me, I will if I have to. So don't push me. You hear me? ----
What do you want, pal? GK: The ice cream cone landed on my fedora. So I went out to have
it cleaned. (CITY AMBIENCE, TRAFFIC, FOOTSTEPS) I looked all around and
the cleaner wasn't where it used to be. I asked the newsboy---- TR (GRAVELLY): It's that way. Through that door. Down the hall.
First door to the right. GK: Through the door. Down the hall. First door to the right.
(FOOTSTEPS) I followed his directions and took the first door to the right
and found myself onstage in a vast cavernous space that I realized was
the St. Paul Paramount Theater. The aisle lights were like strings of
bright jewels hung in the dark ----- TR (ON P.A.): Okay. Right there. (FOOTSTEPS STOP) That's good.
Come downstage. (A COUPLE STEPS) I said downstage. GK: Sorry. (A COUPLE STEPS) TR (ON P.A.) : Stop. Thank you. -----Did you bring music? GK: No. I guess not. TR (ON P.A.): You want accompaniment? GK: In what sense do you mean that? TR (ON P.A.): You want the pianist to play? GK: It's up to him. TR (ON P.A.): Okay. What are you going to sing? GK: Me? TR (ON P.A.): Yes. You. GK: Now? TR (ON P.A.): Right. GK: I was just looking for the cleaner. TR (ON P.A.): Okay. What key do you do it in? GK: Which? TR (ON P.A.): "I Was Just Looking for The Cleaner" ----
is that Cole Porter, by the way? ----Miss Beach, would you bring the gentleman
a glass of water? (HIGH HEELS FOOTSTEPS) GK: And just then a beautiful young woman in a red plush bathing
suit walked out on stage and gave me a glass of water. SS (SEXY): Hi. I'm Sandy. You seem a little nervous, and I know
how hard it is to take an audition. You walk out here and you're all alone
and suddenly you forget everything you ever knew. But you have to remember:
you can make everything a little better if you just try to smile. No matter
how scared you are, it helps to take a deep breath and get a nice big
smile on your face. It really does. GK: Would you marry me? SS (SEXY): I'll do something even better. I'll stand in the wings
where you can't see me and I'll watch and I know that I'm going to love
what you do. I'm going to just love it. (HIGH HEELS FOOTSTEPS OFF) GK: Let me not to the marriage of true minds TR (ON P.A.): Thank you. GK: Oh no---- it is an ever fixed mark TR (ON P.A.): Next!!! (BRIDGE) GK: I walked back out to the street (TRAFFIC, CITY AMBIENCE) and
over to Danny's Deli and asked Wendell the delivery boy----Hey---- Wendell---- TK (TEEN): Hi, Mr. Noir--- GK: Wendell, I'm looking for the cleaners---- TK (TEEN): Paragon Cleaners? GK: Right. GK: I hate it when they do that. How can they expect me to drive
all the way out to the mall? Is there another cleaner around? TK (TEEN): What do you need cleaned? GK: My hat. TK (TEEN): Is that all? GK: What do you mean, is that all? TK (TEEN): You got a big stain on your jacket, Mr. Noir. I hate
to be the one to point it out, but---- GK: Oh my gosh. Where did that come from? TK (TEEN): Looks like a sweat stain to me. Two of em, even. GK: Guess she had a bigger effect on me than I thought at the
time. TK (TEEN): Who? GK: Never mind. You're too young, Wendell---- wait till you're
older--- TK (TEEN): I'm 43 years old, Mr. Noir. GK: It's still too young. Wait till you're sixty. TK (TEEN): Okay. (BRIDGE) (FOOTSTEPS, TRAFFIC AMBIENCE) GK: I thought there might be a cleaner behind the Northern Pacific
Building and I headed down a dark, narrow alley (FOOTSTEPS ON BROKEN GLASS,
GRAVEL) cluttered with garbage. Steam rose from the sewer. A cat sang
from a window ledge above. (MEOW) I felt something brush against my ankle.
It was a piece of paper. A note that said: "Helf. I am being help
host age." (TRAFFIC AMBIENCE, PASSING CARS) What's that supposed
to mean? I didn't have time to figure it out. I walked toward the river
thinking maybe I'd find something at the Union Depot ---- all those businessmen
hopping on the North Coast Limited to Chicago, surely there'd be some
kind of cleaning establishment---- And then I saw a young woman in a tweed
coat walking out on the railroad trestle over the Mississippi --- (RUNNING
FOOTSTEPS) Stop! Hey! Come back here! Don't do it!!!!! (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS
ON GRAVEL) ---- She was running fast and getting farther ahead of me ----
(RUNNING FOOTSTEPS ON WOODEN TIES) (HEAVY BREATHING) ----- it was a single
track bridge and I could see through the ties to the river far below -----
the wood was a little slippery so I was watching my footing ----- I seemed
to be about half way across when---- (DISTANT WHISTLE) (FOOTSTEPS SLOW
AND STOP) (HEAVY BREATHING) Darn. (WHISTLE) When they cut back train service,
they never cut back where they ought to. (CLOSER WHISTLE) I squeezed down
between the ties just as (TRAIN PASSES FAST, OVER HEAD, GREAT WHOOSH,
AND CLACKING) it came by ---- and when it was gone, I couldn't lift myself
up ---- my hands were half-frozen ---- I was hanging there by my hands
holding onto that wooden tie which was full of splinters and I was about
to drop to the river below when---- there she was, kneeling above me---- SS: I'm gonna lower a rope, mister. Tie it around your waist.
GK: With what? SS: Use your right hand. Do the bowline hitch. You remember that
from Boy Scouts, don't you? GK: The bowline hitch. That's the one where the bunny comes out
of the hole and around the tree and back down the hole, right? SS: Right. Here you go. (BRIDGE) GK: Somehow, hanging by one hand from the trestle over the frozen
Mississippi, I was able to get the rope around my waist and tie a bowline
hitch and in less time than it takes to tell about it, she had hoisted
me up to the tracks and helped me to the end of the trestle and we were
sitting in a warm railroad shack with an old switchman---- TR (GEEZER): Here. Have a cuppa java, mister. That was a close
one. GK: How can I thank you, ma'am? You saved my life. How'd you ever
learn about the bowline hitch? SS: I was a Girl Scout. Before I became a go-go dancer at the
Kit Kat Club and doing the shim-sham-shimmy for the travelling salesmen,
I used to camp in the woods and light fires with a pile of dry tinder
and a couple of sticks. GK: I'll bet you lit a lot of fires in your time, sister. TR (GEEZER): Julie here is my daughter. GK: Oh. TR (GEEZER): Came to say goodbye, she did, and today she's heading
for Chicago on the 4:19 Zephyr. GK: What's in Chicago, sister? SS: Theater. I want to go legit. I want to do Ibsen, Strindberg,
Chekhov, not spend my life shaking my tassels. TR (GEEZER): Say, mister, you've got a bad stain there on your
trousers. GK: What? On my trousers----- TR (GEEZER): Creosote. Must've gotten it off the trestle. Good
that I know of a darned good cleaner. GK: Oh? Who? SS: Me. I can get any stain out of any thing. In theater, you
learn things like that. Take off your pants. (STING) GK: It's so good to hear a woman say that again. It's been years.
(DISTANT WHISTLE) TR (GEEZER): So what sort of work you do, Mr. Norton? (TRAIN WHOOSHES
PAST) GK: Noir. It's Guy Noir, sir. I'm a private eye. TR (GEEZER): Oh. So you're in the business of tracking down guys
like me. Guys on the run. GK: On the run from what, Pops? TR (GEEZER): I forget. The amnesia really kicked in bad a couple
years ago…… GK: I believe you're Bobo Dubuque. Last time I was in the post
office you were. Wanted in fourteen states and hankered after in fourteen
more. SS: Very smart, Mr. Noir. Now put your hands behind your back.
That 4:19 Zephyr to Chicago, Pops and I are going to rob it. GK: You're going to rob a train? SS: We'll close the switch so the train stops on the trestle and
we'll break open the baggage car and steal the billions of dollars that
the President's tax cut is going to give to the rich---- GK: You're going to steal it? TR (GEEZER): And to make sure you don't follow us, we're taking
your pants---- SS: But first we're going to tie your hands and gag you. With
a spoon. (STING, BRIDGE) GK: It was a long cold walk over the Robert Street Bridge without
my pants. And when I was almost to the Five Spot, a car came racing down
the street---- (CAR APPROACHING FAST) no---- not through that puddle (CAR
HITS WATER, BIG WHOOSH OF SPRAY) (BRIDGE (BRIDGE, DOOR OPEN, JINGLE, DOOR
CLOSE, FOOTSTEPS) TR (JIMMY): Hey, Guy, how's it going? You look like you been kidnapped
or something---- where's your pants? GK: It's a long story. I started out to get my hat cleaned and
instead they cleaned my clock. TR (JIMMY): What can I get for you? A martini? GK: Naw, I've got a longstanding rule. I never drink in public
without my pants on. TR (JIMMY): Good idea. If only more people did that---- St. Patrick's
Day would be a whole different thing. GK: Bring me a glass of sarsaparilla, Jimmy. TR (JIMMY): Okay. One root beer, coming up. You care for a slice
of lemon with that? GK: No, thanks. TR (JIMMY): Long day, huh? GK: You think life is going to give you diamonds and instead it
throws you some dimes. So---- consider yourself lucky. TR (JIMMY): At least you had on clean underwear. GK: Thanks for noticing. TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets,
but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions.....Guy
Noir, Private Eye. © Garrison Keillor 2003 |
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Singer and songwriter Andra Suchy talks about singing duets with Garrison, and her latest album, Little Heart.
Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976
Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).
