|
NPR (BILE THEM CABBAGE DOWN, GK VOCAL, INTERRUPTED AS FOLLOWS) GK: …..(BEEPS OF WARNING HORN) (TELETYPE) TR: We interrupt this program with a special news bulletin. Here's
Linda Wiseheimer, NPR News in Washington. SS: This is Linda Wiseheimer, NPR News, Washington, D.C. We have
reports from the Department of Homeland Security that the nation is now
in a mauve state of alert --- repeat ---- we are on a mauve alert, due
to reports that the Second Coming has taken place. I repeat, reports of
the Second Coming in the past half hour. That is the word we have. The
Second Coming, which according to Christians is prophesied in the Old
Testament and the New, may have taken place, and thousands of people have
disappeared into the sky, presumably believers. At the White House, President
George W. Bush had this to say: TR (BUSH): I was there in Nashville this week to give a speech
at the National Religious Broadcasters convention. Or as I like to call
them, The Axis of Evangelicals. A speech called, "What Would Jesus
Bomb?" I have checked with the religious broadcasters and none of
them is missing and so I doubt that the Second Coming has taken place,
but we certainly are checking into it. SS: Mr. President? TR (BUSH): Who is this? SS: Linda Wiseheimer, NPR News, Washington, D.C. Mr. President----what
information do you have on the thousands who are said to have disappeared?
TR (BUSH): We think that maybe they're safe in their homes and
maybe they put on the duct tape a little too tight. We're sending people
around to check. SS: So you think there has been no Second Coming? TR (BUSH): I'm still here. Billy Graham is here. Just spoke to
the Pope. The Mormons say they're just fine. (DOORBELL) There's the Jehovah's
Witnesses. SS: What do you recommend that people do, Mr. President? TR (BUSH): I advise people to remain calm. I am calm and I hope
everybody else is too. An alert is just that. Be vigilant. Watch for Jesus
to come in the skies and for the Tribulation to begin and Armageddon and
all the rest that may be involved, but don't cancel your travel plans,
and continue to shop. Remember, if you are not an evil-doer, you have
nothing to fear from the Second Coming. SS: President Bush, from the White House. This is Linda Wiseheimer,
NPR News, Washington, D.C. BILE THEM CABBAGE TR : We interrupt this program with a news bulletin. Here's Linda
Wiseheimer, NPR News in Washington. SS: This is Linda Wiseheimer, NPR News, Washington, D.C. with
a news bulletin. Repeating today's top story,---- TR: I already said that. I already said, "Here's Linda Wiseheimer,
NPR News in Washington, with a news bulletin" --- SS: What???? TR: So why do you have to come in and say it ---- why would you
be interrupting the show if you didn't have a news bulletin" ---
I don't get it. SS: Would you just shut up? TR: Who cares if you're Linda Wiseheimer --- (UPSET) this may
be the end of all recorded history out there, the Second Coming ---- this
is the big one---- SS: You're fired. TR: It's all over and you know something ---- I hate you. I'm
just glad I got a chance to say that. SS: You're an idiot, John, and thank goodness I've got some duct
tape--- TR: (STRUGGLE) Get away from me. I said (MUFFLED CRIES) SS: The Second Coming appears to have taken place today and thousands
of people are missing, and we have reports that many of them, perhaps
most, are persons of the Lutheran faith. We have on the line from Chicago
Presiding Bishop Edgar Larson of the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America,
Bishop Larson, thank you for joining us. TR (ON PHONE): Well, thanks for taking my call. Sure a pleasure.
Enjoy your work a lot and hats off to all of you for all you do and I
know I speak for many others when I say it. You do a good job. SS: We're getting reports that the Second Coming has taken place
and thousands of Lutherans are missing. TR (ON PHONE): Yeah, I heard that, too. I've been trying to locate
my wife. SS: Do you have any comment on that? TR (ON PHONE): Well, if the Second Coming has taken place and
she's gone up with the Lord, I guess that sort of opens up the weekend,
don't it. This sermon I've been working on ----on discipleship. Don't
seem much point to it now, does there? To be perfectly frank with you,
I just opened myself up a cold beer that I been keeping in the root cellar
where Lois couldn't see it. I'm thinking maybe I'll head downtown and
see what's going on. Never did that before. Never went out dancing because
Lois thought it was a waste of time. I don't mean square dancing but those
clubs where they turn the lights down low and you don't necessarily know
who it is you're dancing with. I always thought that might be fun. Maybe
this is the night. BILE THEM CABBAGE © Garrison Keillor 2003 |
|
|
|
|
Singer and songwriter Andra Suchy talks about singing duets with Garrison, and her latest album, Little Heart.
Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976
Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).
