APHC: Saturday, March 8, 2003

SFX
Saturday, March 8, 2003
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(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; FN: Fred Newman)

GK: These are jittery times in America, people are tense, so we're going to steer away from disaster on our show (POWERFUL CAR SCREECHING IN TURN, THEN DOWNSHIFTS, AND REDUCES SPEED) ----- and do safe sound effects. Small furry animals. (CAT). Comfort sound effects. (HEAD MASSAGER). No dentist drills today (DRILL). No laser eye surgery. (LASER). Later, maybe we'll talk about Where Sound Effects Come From. (TONGUE DEPRESSOR) Come from down there in this guy's throat. (GAGGING) Way down there. See that? He's got a little flap down there that you don't have. (VIBRATE FLUTTER) It's the devious epiglottis. (SFX) And that's how he's able to do electric staplers (STAPLER) and water sprinklers (SPRINKLER) and you can't. That's how he does copy machines. (COPIER) And whatever effects he can't do, we use records (STYLUS ON SCRATCHY RECORD) ---- old sound effects records (TRUMPET PLAYING ON SCRATCHY RECORD). His name is Fred Newman and if we needed an extra act on the show, he could do that too. (MY GIRL, BASS AND VOCAL). We're going to stay away from explosions today. No car bombs today. Though I myself enjoy movies with good car explosions in them ---- I've had cars in my life that I'd have been glad to see blown up ---- there was a Rambler that I remember. Miserable car. (BIG EXPLOSION) Thank you. I appreciate that.

I grew up with radio and in the old days it was very violent. There was evil stalking the radio waves. Especially the old radio shows about Florida. (DARK CHORDS)

TR (ANNOUNCER): And now.....THE MAN OF GLOOM---- brought to you by Florida Orange Juice.

GK: Florida Orange juice is nutritious
And gets rid of Mr. Gloom.
It's lots of fun and it brings the sun
Every morning to your breakfast room.

TR: Mr. Gloom. (DARK STING) Retired, with no purpose in life, he walks the streets…..

SS (CHILD): Oh no, Rex ---- it's the great big galoot in the coveralls? (TR SWEDISH) It's Mr. Gloom. (SWEDISH) (CHORD)

GK: Mr. Gloom didn't actually hurt anybody but he was spooky, going around grumbling and complaining. And then there was DON OF DAYTONA

(PULSING THEME. SPEEDING CAR, CORNERING AND SHIFTING UP)

TR (ANNC): Once again it's time for DON OF DAYTONA! Driving at unsafe speeds along the winding coastal roads (SFX CORNERING AND REVVING, GOING THROUGH GEARS), heedless of the danger he poses to others (CAR RACES PAST), racing star Don Hapworth drives like a bat out of hell (CAR CORNERING), brought to you by Florida grapefruit----

GK: Florida grapefruit every morning
Keeps colds and flu away. .
Take a tip from Don put some grapefruit on
Your breakfast table everyday.

And every day Don of Daytona would lose control of his car on a curve (SCREECH OF RUBBER) and crash, into a truck full of watermelons (CRUNCH, SPLOSH) ---- and he was attacked by a dog (DOG) or by chickens (CHICKEN ATTACK)

Radio in the old days had a lot of destruction and violence---- there was ----

TR: THE OLD MAN AND THE SEA (BIG THEME) -----

TR (GEEZER): Gittin kinda tired of foolin around with a pole and bait----- (SHOTGUN BLAST) Darn. (SHOTGUN BLAST)

GK: There was the one about the developer-----

TR (KIRK): Gotta cut down the trees and drain the swamp before those pesky environmentalists arrive ....CHAINSAWS)

GK: I remember the show where space aliens took over the roller coaster at Busch Gardens and---- (ROLLER COASTER ACCELERATING) (SUE & TIM MOUNTING HORROR)----

GK: Snakes were always big in old-time radio shows ----- (SNAKE RATTLE)

SS: What's that?

TR: Don't move, Jean ---- he's crawling across your dessert ----

SS: What are we going to do?

TR: Hold still. (THROW KNIFE, WHACK, BWANNGGGG)

GK: And of course there were sun-crazed mutant alligators----- (GATOR ROAR) ----

TR (CHILD): I can't move. My ankle is caught in the anchor rope. Lassie??? (GATOR)

GK: Television promoted a much more bucolic picture of Florida, but growing up in the age of radio, we saw it as a place to stay away from at all costs-----

(THEME)

TR: In January, the Florida citrus crop is almost ready for harvest, when suddenly ---- the temperature drops ---- time to call in FRANK FOSTER, FROST FIGHTER......a man who fights winter.....with maximum force! -----

FN: I'm going in with napalm----- (DIVE BOMBER, BOMBS DROPPING, EXPLOSIONS)

TR: .....brought to you by Florida Sauerkraut.....

GK: Florida sauerkraut is the cabbage
That is raised in Orlando.
Take a tip from George, and rip off your porch
Sauerkraut will help you go.

Nowadays, those old Florida radio shows are pretty much gone and forgotten ---- how many people here ever tuned in to ------

SS (GENIAL, OLDER): DOCTOR PRENTICE, SMALL TOWN PROCTOLOGIST……

TR: Here in Green Haven, Florida, life is pretty good. We go along from day to day, enjoying the sunshine and living our lives. But ever so often, trouble rears its head, and then ---- folks call on me. Dr. Prentice.

GK: Florida bran is beneficial,
Gives you roughage, for heaven's sake.
Take a tip from the Doc, take a daily walk
And a bowl of bran flakes.

Yes, those days are gone, the Golden Days of radio, gone are the days when a sound effects man would need to know things like how to do fingernails on the chalk board (SFX) or a fire extinguisher (SFX) or a cherry bomb in the toilet (SFX), or drop a turkey out of a helicopter (SFX), and I myself am glad they're gone, as a parent, knowing the bad dreams that have plagued me all my life since I listened to radio shows and heard the episode of DARK SHADOWS when Dr. Pivo tried to swallow the orange…

FN: Swallow an orange? Why of course, Laura. I've done it many times. (SFX)

GK: …..and fell into the pit of alligators (SFX).