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Guy Noir (GUY NOIR THEME) TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, (THEME UP AND OUT) GK: It was May and spring had finally come to the frozen tundra
and I was thinking of going fishing when I got this phone call from Atlanta.
(PHONE RING, PICK UP) ---- Yeah, Noir here. SS: (SULTRY, SOUTHERN) Hi. This is Heather. Could you do a job
for me? A thousand dollars a day. Plus a performance bonus. If you're
really good. (HEART POUNDING) Which I've heard that you are. GK: Sure. SS (SULTRY): Could you come to Atlanta? It would be good if you
could. GK: I think I could. SS (SULTRY): That's not too much to ask? GK: Not at all. I think anytime right up to when they put me in
the nursing home and insert the tubes in my nose, I could fly down to
Atlanta and meet you. SS (SULTRY): Good. Do you know Atlanta? GK: No, but I'm hoping to. SS (SULTRY): Take a cab downtown to Peachpit Avenue and look for
Crabtree Street. GK: You mean Peachtree Street? SS (SULTRY): No, Peachpit Avenue. Take that to Prune Street and
take a right on Kumquat and we're there on the corner of Boo Hoo Avenue
and Kumquat. Look for the sign. Clear Channel Communications. GK: And I walked down the street a little ways (TRAFFIC) and there
on the corner was a man with a sign in front of him: FORMER BROADCASTER
WILL READ NEWS OR SHINE SHOES FOR FOOD. Sir---You shine shoes? GK: Pisca-what? RB: Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin. Nice little town. GK: So if you want to spend more time with them, why not go to
Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin? RB: I don't want my family to see me having to shine shoes for
a living. GK: So what made you move up to RB: I was trying to get rid of my southern accent. I was a country
music DJ. And then Clear Channel bought the radio station and they fired
me because I sound like I'm from Georgia. GK: You do. RB: They wanted something more neutral. GK: But country music comes from the south. RB: Well, they don't know that, so they fired me. GK: I'm supposed to see a woman from Clear Channel today. RB: Heather? GK: Right. RB: The woman who fired me. Beautiful woman. (BRIDGE) GK: And she was. I walked into the Clear Channel office on Boo
Hoo Avenue and ---- SS (SULTRY): Hi. You care for a cold Coca-Cola? GK: I think I maybe better have one of those---- SS (SULTRY): You want extra ice in that? GK: I think more ice would be nice---- SS (SULTRY): How about I wet my hanky in this cold Coca-Cola and
sort of mop your brow---- that feel good? GK: That feels wonderful. I find your whole organization reprehensible
and yet I'm almost dizzy with pleasure. SS (SULTRY): That's good. Now let me tell you what you're going
to do for me. We got an FCC hearing coming up in Washington on June 2nd
and we want you to take care of some people who might be testifying……. GK: What's the hearing about? SS: It's nothing. Little old hearing. Anyway, they're fixing to
testify against us and we'd like you to take care of it---- GK: Testify against what? SS: Testify against a ruling that the FCC is going to make that
will make it easier for folks to exercise their constitutional right to
own as many radio stations as they want to own. I'd like you to go talk
some sense into those people. How does that nice cold hanky feel on your
forehead, Mr. Noir? GK: It feels wonderful, I'm ashamed to say. SS: You don't mind me leaning up against you this way, do you?
GK: Not at all. SS: You don't mind me brushing up against you, do you? GK: My pleasure. SS: I'm not crowding in too close? GK: Not at all. (BRIDGE) An hour later, I was sitting in Jimmy
Joe's tavern, feeling deeply ashamed of myself----- TR: You care for another sarsaparilla, mister? GK: Sure. Why not? I've fallen this far, why not fall all the
way. These sharks at Clear Channel got me in their pocket. These people
aren't broadcasters, they're just preachers. TR: Hey. Welcome to the South. It's an art form. GK: I remember radio when it was fun. Full of odd characters.
There wasn't such a company line. Now---- it's all corporate. RB: Hey everybody. GK: Hey there. Mr. Shoeshine. TR: Howdy, Roy. RB: Gimme a cold beer, Jimmy Joe. GK: I don't know what's going to become of radio, mister. With
people like Clear Channel taking over. RB: I used to worry about that ---- and then today I decided to
become a Republican. GK: You became a Republican? RB: I'm trying it out for awhile. GK: You're unemployed, you're shining shoes, you want to be a
Republican? RB: I'm just trying it out. See how it feels. GK: Okay. If you're a Republican, then I'm Tarzan. (ORANGUTANGS SCREECHING. JUNGLE BIRDS) RB: Nice breechcloth. GK: Thanks. SS: Hi. What you boys up to? RB: Even nicer breechcloth---- and wow--- what a necklace---- SS: How about one of you boys go catch me a wildebeest? I'm sort
of hungry----- RB: I've got me a spear and a bolo and a blowgun with poisoned
darts ---- now this is what I call fun. This is radio like it used to
be. (MORE APES. BIRDS) GK: Race you to the waterhole. TR: TARZAN CRY GK: TARZAN CRY RB: TARZAN CRY GK: You know, I think we could get work at Fox news---- SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, © Garrison Keillor 2003 |
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Now Available:
A Christmas Blizzard
GK's New Holiday Story
A comic novella about a Hawaii-bound holiday traveler who ends up stranded in his North Dakota hometown.
Audio edition also available»
The Prairie Home cruise has become legendary on two of the Seven Seas and now is setting sail on a third, a weeklong spring break cruise of the western Caribbean along the Mexican coast, and it leaves March 14 from Tampa.
Stories of a Wobegon romance far from home, all delivered with Garrison Keillor's trademark humor.
Read the first chapter»Signed Copies Available»
The latest collection of Lake Wobegon short stories gathered from live broadcasts include Confirmation Sunday, the church directory photos, Pastor Ingqvist's leather bound sermons along with song lyrics and the "95 Theses," among others. Companion audio also available.
Order now!»