A Prairie Home Companion with Garrison Keillor

Bud's Coffee
Saturday, May 31, 2003
Listen

(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; FN: Fred Newman)

GK: ……after this message from Bud's coffee.

(ESPRESSO MACHINE)

GK: I'd like coffee.

TR: Espresso?

GK: No, just coffee.

TR: Coffee of the day?

GK: Okay.

TR: We have Columbian Supremo, French Savant, and the Rawalpindi Rain Forest Blend.

GK: Any of those is fine.

TR: How about the Rain Forest Blend?

GK: Fine.

TR: Regular, grande' or venti.

GK: The biggest one.

TR: That'd be the venti.

GK: Fine.

TR: You want venti?

GK: Whatever you call it. The big one.

TR: They're all big. Grande is big, too.

GK: I want the biggest.

TR: The venti?

GK: Sure.

TR: The Venti.

GK: Yes.

TR: Why can't you say it?

GK: Just give me one.

TR: I need you to say it.

GK: I don't want to say it.

TR: Then I can't bring you one if you won't say it.

GK: Fine. I'll have two regulars then.

TR: Okay. Two regulars coming up. (COFFEE GRINDER)

GK: I'd like milk with that too. (ESPRESSO ROUTINE WITH BIG GASPS AND BURSTS OF STEAM)

TR: Café au lait?

GK: No, just milk.

TR: Or cappuccino?

GK: Just with milk.

TR: Whipped cream on top?

GK: No.

TR: Chocolate?

GK: No.

TR: Flavoring?

GK: No.

TR: We've got anis, butter brickle, chocolate, Dutch chocolate, eglantine, French vanilla, gorgonzola, hazelnut, iodine----

GK: Iodine?

TR: Iodine. Juniper. Kumquat. Licorice. Maple, Nutmeg. Orange. Pumpkin. Quince. rhubarb, Saffron, Toffee. vanilla. walnut. Xtra-walnut, yellow walnut, and zucchini.

GK: No, thanks.

TR: Don't care for any?

GK: No, thanks.

TR: Caf or decaf?

GK: Caf.

TR: Extra caf?

GK: No.

TR: Whole, skim, or 2 percent?

GK: Whole milk.

TR: Paper or plastic?

GK: Paper.

TR: Plain or colored.

GK: I don't care.

TR: Sugar?

GK: No.

TR: Here or to go?

GK: To go.

TR: You know if you ordered venti, you'd pay about half as much as ordering two regulars.

GK: I'll have the regulars.

TR: Just say venti.

GK: I'll have the regulars.

TR: You don't have to say it loud.

GK: Never mind.

TR: You can whisper it.

GK: Regulars.

TR: Think of a combination of five letters or numerals for a PIN number.

GK: A PIN number? For coffee??

TR: How about venti?

GK: You know, there's just too much involved in getting a good cup of coffee. I think I'll just go to Bud's. (BUD'S COFFEESHOP THEME)

SS: Hey. How's it going?

GK: Not so bad. You?

SS: Can't complain. What can I get you?

GK: Cuppa coffee.

SS: Coming right up. (POURING) There you go. Made it fresh this morning.

GK: Where's Bud?

SS: Dead.

GK: Oh. Long ago?

SS: No.

GK: Oh. Suddenly?

SS: Yeah.

GK: Too bad.

SS: Yeah, you could say that.

GK: Bud's Coffee Shop. You know what you get. Coffee.

SS: You hear the one about the two penguins on the ice floe?

GK: Bud's Coffee. Seventy-five cents. All day for a buck and a half. Ask about our weekly rates. (MUSIC BUTTON)

© Garrison Keillor 2003