Ketchup Advisory Board
Saturday, June 28, 2003
(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; FN: Fred Newman; RD: Rich Dworsky)

GK:…after a word from the Ketchup Advisory Board.

TR: These are the good years for Barb and me. We volunteered at a food drive at church and I was looking through a box of donated cereal and found a baseball card of Babe Ruth as a rookie, which I sold for $300,000. We're going to France for vacation ---- or Freedomland, as we call it ----- and we've bought an electric car and now we can come and go without the neighbors knowing it. I learned how to use two-sided adhesive tape to hold my combover in place and I gained twenty pounds so as to hide the mermaid tattoo on my stomach. And then we invested some of our baseball card windfall in manufacturing a combination hamburger and hot dog bun and that business has done extremely well. We should have been happy. Then one day I found Barb twisted like a pretzel on the living room floor. Honey, what are you doing?

SS: I'm doing yoga. I want to hurt myself, Jim.

TR: Why? You've got your legs way up behind your neck.

SS: I want to see if I can still feel. I'm…so… numb. I feel utterly desensitized.

TR: Are you sure it's not your pantyhose cutting off your circulation?

SS: I'm numb inside ---- nothing seems to affect me anymore.

TR: You're not numb. You're just from the Midwest. And you were raised Presbyterian.

SS: Oh, Jim. I have no sense of moral indignation. We're still in the midst of a war I don't understand, our health care system is going bonkers, our civil rights are being lost a little more each day, and all I can think about is new recipes for exciting summertime salads.

TR: Maybe you're not getting enough ketchup, Barb.

SS: What?

TR: Ketchup has natural mellowing agents that help us to accept the fact that the big problem with democracy is that it depends so much on people like us.

SS: Oh, I don't care. Sure. Give me some ketchup.

RD: (SINGS)These are the good years to live within the box.
. To read the funny papers and check up on our stocks.
Life is flowing like ketchup on the rocks.

GK: Ketchup. For the good times.

RD: (SINGS) Ketchup…ketchup.

© Garrison Keillor 2003

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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