APHC: Saturday, June 28, 2003

Guy Noir
Saturday, June 28, 2003
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(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; FN: Fred Newman)

(THEME)

TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions --- Guy Noir, Private Eye.

(THEME UP AND OUT)

GK: It was June, glorious June, and I was sitting in my office and perusing the full-color advertisements for vacation resorts and somehow a picture of a young woman caught my eye and I closed my eyes and suddenly she was there beside me ----

SS: So---you want to go out to a movie? Or you want to stay home and rub reduced-fat cream cheese on my naked body?

(PHONE RING. ANOTHER RING. ANOTHER RING. PICK UP)

GK: Yeah? Noir here.

TR (ON PHONE): Mr. Noir, this is Leonard Stineburn calling from Tanglewood out in the Berkshires.

GK: Mr. Stineburn, hang on one second, let me wipe some drool off my chin here.

TR (ON PHONE): You go right ahead.

GK: I was just daydreaming about somebody and my mouth sort of lost its seal there. Okay. Go right ahead.

TR (ON PHONE): You've heard of Tanglewood, Mr. Noir?

GK: It's a retirement community, right? Condos built around a golf course?

TR (ON PHONE): No, it's a summer music center. Home of the B.S.O.

GK: The B.S.O. Well, I know what the B.S. stands for, what is the O?

TR (ON PHONE): Orchestra.

GK: Interesting. So you can make music out of B.S.

TR (ON PHONE): Boston Symphony.

GK: Aha. Of course. What can I do for you, sir?

TR (ON PHONE): We're having problems with our music shed, Mr. Noir.

GK: Well, if it's B.S. I suppose you would keep it in a shed, wouldn't you-----

TR (ON PHONE): It's a wonderful open-air music venue renowned for its acoustics ---- but this year, something's changed-----

GK: What's that, sir?

TR (ON PHONE): The Symphony played here the other night and you could barely hear the brass or the winds ---- almost all you could hear were the violas.

GK: Interesting.

TR (ON PHONE): We think someone has been tampering with the acoustic panels up above the stage.

GK: Violas, huh?

TR (ON PHONE): We'd like you to come out here to the Berkshires and get to the bottom of it.

GK: Fine. That's in California, right? Just north of Oakland? (MUSIC BRIDGE) Mr.Stineburn straightened me out on the geography. The Berkshires are in western Massachusetts, I discovered. And at Tanglewood, the moment I walked into the Music Shed (FOOTSTEPS), I found a lot of angry musicians (TR ANGRY FRENCHMAN), a French horn player was arguing with an English horn player (TR BRIT SPUTTERING) and there was a Japanese violinist (TR ANGRY JAPANESE) who was upset and a pianist (BIG CHORDS) and a percussionist was pacing back and forth (ARHYTHMIC FOOTSTEPS) and muttering to himself----

AK: This is disgusting. I'm about ready to give up music and go into the saloon business. If not as an owner, then maybe as a participant.

GK: A bass player walked up to me, upset.

GR: It was ridiculous. Stood here playing the Beethoven Ninth and all I could hear was violas!!! It was like somebody bought a pizza and I was eating the cardboard.

SS (FLEXNER): Mr. Noir, I'm Amanda Flexner, the general manager of Tanglewood . How was your flight?

GK: It was up in the air. Thanks for asking. Your orchestra people look upset.

SS (FLEXNER): Well, the acoustics are driving us nuts. And we have the big William Gates Windows 2000 Violin Competition tonight. So it's very important.

GK: Bill Gates is sponsoring a violin competition? That's nice.

SS (FLEXNER): Yes, and if a contestant chokes or freezes up onstage, he just sets down his violin, walks offstage, and then walks back on and starts over.

GK: Well, if the acoustics have changed so it sounds like an orchestra of violas, maybe I should meet your first chair viola.

SS (FLEXNER): He's right back this way. (FOOTSTEPS) (BRIDGE)

GK: She led me backstage to a dressing room. (VIOLA, MUFFLED) It certainly sounded like a violist inside. Either that or somebody with real stomach problems. The sign on the door said: DO NOT KNOCK OR DO OTHER RHYTHMIC THINGS. --- Hello? Anybody in there?

TR (MINNESOTA, IN ROOM): Yeah. Me.

GK: Mind if I talk to you?

TR (IN ROOM): You're talking to me right now. Sounds like you are.

GK: Could you open the door?

TR (IN ROOM): I could.

GK: Would you? Please. (VIOLA STOPS) (PAUSE TWO BEATS) (DOOR OPEN)

TR: Yeah?

GK: My name is Noir, sir. I see by your outfit that you're a violist.

TR: You like dark green plaid?

GK: On you, yes. And the Hush Puppies are a nice touch. I'm here to see what you know about the acoustic panels, sir----

TR: What acoustic panels?

GK: The clear Plexiglass panels over the stage----

TR: Never noticed em. When you're a violist, you don't look up. Believe me. Gotta watch the music. Gotta watch the cellists' feet so you get the tempo. (BRIDGE)

GK: Obviously he wasn't the culprit. He was a violist. The dressing room had a shag carpet that smelled of fear. -----

SS (FLEXNER): We're all extremely tense with the violin competition tonight.

GK: It's pretty competitive, is it?

SS (FLEXNER): Ferocious. The Russian contestant, Mr. Sonovabitchovich, is known for waxing his opponent's bows. And loosening their tuning pegs. Putting gum on their shoes. Putting people in the front row who will tap their feet almost in time with the music.

GK: Dirty tricks, huh? You don't think that the---- (FOOTSTEPS)

TR: RUSSIAN MUTTERING (STING)

GK: He certainly looked like somebody capable of sabotaging the acoustics. And then I heard music (VIOLIN 1) ---- and I turned and saw a woman playing the violin, a tall woman so beautiful I wanted to throw myself down on the floor and worship her. And if I were younger and better able to throw myself, I would've done it. Her hair was blonde, the color of cooked pasta, and her black silk blouse ---- she was somebody who could wear silk and really make it stand out. I don't know much about violin playing but suddenly I could see the connection between sex and violins and I was in favor of it. And then she saw me and smiled and she stopped (VIOLIN STOP) ----

SS (SEXY): Hi. Are you here to audition me?

GK: Well ---- I don't know---- I mean, I could if you wanted me to---- but---- what do you mean? Other than what I wish you meant?

SS (SEXY): I've been preparing myself for this for years, Mr. Moi.

GK: And from the looks of you I'd say you did a good job of it, Miss----

SS (SEXY): Swanson. Matisse Swanson.

GK: Interesting. Are you named after the artist?

SS: No, the TV dinner. Come into my dressing room, Mr. Moi.

GK: Anything you want, Miss Swanson. Anything. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSE) So---- I have no idea what we do now and I'm sure that someday I'll look back on it with shame and remorse but what the heck.

SS (SEXY): You're not Mr. Moi.

GK: No, but----

SS (SEXY): I thought you were Mr. Moi. He's the conductor tonight. For the Violin Competition. It's between me and Sergei Ivanovich Sonovabitchovich---- and one of us will walk away with a cash prize of 10 million dollars.

GK: Ten million dollars???? For one violin contest????

SS (SEXY): Well, it's ten million dollars worth of AOL stock.

GK: Oh.

SS (SEXY): So it's more like a hundred thousand. But still-----

GK: Still----

SS (SEXY): I want so badly to win the prize, Mr.------ Mr.-----

GK: Noir. Guy Noir. I'm a big fan of yours, Miss Swanson. Trying to be.

SS (SEXY): Call me Matisse.

GK: I will. As often as possible.

SS (SEXY): Ohhhhh----- (VIOLIN 2, OFF) There's Sergei---- out there in the hall. Practicing, trying to intimidate me. (DOOR OPEN) ----- Play until your fingers drop off, Sergei! I'll still beat you!!

TR: RUSSIAN OUTBURST (MORE VIOLIN)

SS (SEXY): You can't say that to me! You faker! You half-price Heifitz! You K-Mart Midori! You 7-11 Shaham!

TR: RUSSIAN OUTBURST (MORE VIOLIN)

SS (SEXY): Sound like you had your bow rehaired with barbed wire!!!

TR: RUSSIAN OUTBURST (MORE VIOLIN)

GK: Easy, Miss Swanson. Easy. I'll take care of everything. Just leave it to your uncle Guy. (VIOLIN STOP. BRIDGE) Matisse Swanson was beautiful, but she was a violinist: she had an intensity about her like a cat looking at a canary. Her cleavage was rather dramatic ---- you could've stacked cups and saucers on it ---- and if she took a bow, that jury was going to get light-headed. The lady was no novice. ----- So---- Mr. Sonofabitchovich, you must be pretty nervous about the big violin competition, huh?

TR (RUSSIAN): I will pulverize her. I will crush her. I will make her eat the dust.

GK: Bite the dust.

TR (RUSSIAN): She will be forced to eat of the pie of humility.

GK: Okay, okay. But fair's fair, okay? What do you know about the acoustic panels, sir?

TR (RUSSIAN): What about them?

GK: They've been jiggered with in an attempt to make one of you sound bad-----

TR (RUSSIAN): Make who sound bad? Not me. I sound great. A genius.

GK: You don't understand, sir----- look, I've found out about some of your little tricks in the past ---- but this business with the overhead plexiglass panels is----- (GLISS) (BRIDGE) and then suddenly it became clear to me. I walked over to the side of the stage where the stagehands sit---- ordinarily during concerts they sit and watch the Red Sox game but I could see that the plexiglass acoustic panels had been rigged so that a man in the wings had a clear overhead view of the soloist on stage. With Miss Swensson there, it was rather stunning, like an aerial view of the Grand Canyon.

TR (STAGEHAND): Oh? Those plexiglass panels up there? What about em? Oh? Somebody musta leaned on these here switches---- here ---- let me straighten those out for ya.

GK: So there was the answer. Human lust. Which isn't the answer, it's the question, and the answer usually is yes. (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)

SS (SEXY): Hi, Mr. Noir. Nice to meet you. (FOOTSTEPS PASS)

GK: Matisse walked past me. Women do that more and more nowadays. I want them to stop so I can tell them my problems, but they can see them right away, of course, and that's why they keep moving. She was so beautiful she took my breath away and wouldn't give it back. Her skin was like warm butterscotch. Her silk trousers were so tight I could read the name tag on her underwear. Chanson. And she could play the violin. I guess she could. It sure looked as if she could. (MUSIC)

TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets¼¼but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions¼¼

GK: Sue Scott played Ms. Flexner and Matisse Swanson, Tim Russell played the violist, and Sergei, and sound effects by Fred Newman. Guy Noir was played by himself. The pianist was Richard (Fingers) Dworsky.

(A LITTLE PIANISM, THEN MUSIC OUT)