APHC: Saturday, June 28, 2003

SFX
Saturday, June 28, 2003
Listen

(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott; TR: Tim Russell; FN: Fred Newman)

GK: We're coming to you live from the Shed at Tanglewood, a mecca of classical music, a monument to acoustical engineering, a place with such fine acoustics ---- you can even hear the backstage crew on the other side of that wall------ (PAUSE. POP-TOP BEER CAN. GUZZLE. BELCH) ---- For sixty-five years, audiences have sat under this Shed enraptured at the music of Beethoven, Brahms, Wagner, and during quiet moments you can hear a mosquito ---- (MOSQUITO) you've got a mosquito on your ear ---- (MOSQUITO, DEEPER) no, he went into your ear ------ now he's coming out the other ear (MOSQUITO) ----- (SLAP) (MOSQUITO) ---- he's on your head (KONK) ---- got him ---- (MOSQUITO) no, there he is ----- he's on your cheek ---- (SLAP) (MOSQUITO) ----- got away, sorry ----- look out---- (WINGS FLAPPING, APPROACH, RADAR PINGS) it's a giant fruit bat ---- (WINGS WHOOSH PAST, RADAR PINGS) and he got the mosquito ---- (MOSQUITO) well, he got one of the mosquitoes. Anyway, the acoustics are great in here, you can almost hear yourself think.

Tanglewood is a music center but it's not open to everything. The man from Pittsfield who does the Bach two-part inventions on air horns (SFX) ----- he also does Clair de Lune on a pneumatic air wrench (SFX) ----- he's been turned down and so has Bob Selway and his tap-dancing cat Snowball (SFX) --- those are bottle caps on the cat's feet by the way ----no animal vocalists are allowed at Tanglewood, not even the Chihuahua who sings "Guantanamera" ---- similarly Tanglewood has discouraged Mrs. Kovar of Mill River and her singing bees (SFX) ----- and her husband Bob who can gargle the "Flight of the Bumblebee"(SFX) ---- or sing the alphabet backwards (SFX) ---- or play "Nola" on his face ----- it's a musical family, the Kovars ---- they also have a parakeet who plays "76 Trombones" .(SFX) None of them are here, but Tanglewood does make an exception for the Minnesota state bird ---- loon calling is taught here as a vocal warm-up (SFX). And if you're from Minnesota, the chainsaw is considered a legitimate musical instrument. (ETUDE)

Went to a place called Tanglewood
Up in the Berkshires (nice neighborhood),
Friendly people passing by----
FN: Hi…..hi……hi……hi……hi.
Went to a concert in a shed,
Sat behind a woman with a gigantic head
And a big straw hat so I couldn't see
As they started in on the symphony (CELLO)
It was Tchaikovsky's Serenade for Strings
And right away her cellphone rings (SFX)
And she answers it. She says……FN: "Hello----
Fine.------ That's okay. ------ I see. ----No."

Up on stage the BSO
Is playing that gorgeous adagio
(SERENADE CELLO SECTION)
And back here she's saying: FN: "Well, let's see,
How about tomorrow at three?"
So I tapped her on the shoulder: "Excuse me"
And everybody was hollering, Hush,
Which embarrassed me and made me blush
And so I crawled on hands and knees (ANXIETY)
Out to the aisle and I felt a sneeze (BUILD-UP)
A giant sneeze coming on ---- O no! (BUILD)
I tried to stop it but I had to let go. (BUILD)
I opened my mouth and out it blew:
(HUGE SNEEZE RHYMING WITH ---EW).
It blew the pearls right off her chain
And they bounced around like drops of rain. (SFX)
It blew the hat right off her head (SFX)
Which sailed into the clarinets (SFX)
And bounced off the first bassoon (HONK)
Who made a cry like a lovesick loon
And fell over backward in his chair (CRY)
And knocked down a row of percussionists there (SERIES OF CONKS AND CRASHES)
And the last one fell in the big bass drum (RIP)
Which frightened the euphonium (LOW BASS),
A solemn man named David Jones
And he knocked down the four trombones (SFX)
And a trumpet let out a horrible blast (SFX)
As a saxophone went flying past (SFX)

And finally the maestro's long baton
Flew out of the shed and out to the lawn (WINGING),
The magical stick that makes music symphonic
Was caught by a boy from Housatonic (SFX)
Who, awestruck, held it in his hand
And raised it up and led the band.

(HAYDN SURPRISE)

And the strings began to play
Softly and cantabile
Despite one player's minor injury
Something from the 18th Century
Violins, viola, cello,
And a bass to make it mellow,
Please don't beat upon your drum,
That would just sound dumb: HEY.
And all the lovely countryside in
Western Massachusetts heard some Haydn---
It takes more than one bad sneeze
To interrupt musicians good as these.
(SNEEZE)

INST.
Sweet and graceful, light and clear,
Haydn falling on my ear,
Perfect order, perfect grace,
Please don't lose my place. (HEY)

If your sneezing does not clear up,
There are drugs to put in your cough syrup
Music is a gift from God,
Please be still and at the end, applaud