A Prairie Home Companion: August 26, 2003

Bad Jokes
Tuesday, August 26, 2003
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The blind man's seeing eye dog
Pissed on the blind man's shoe.
So the blind man said, "Here, Rover,
Here's a chunk of beef for you."
And his wife said, "Don't reward him
You can't just let it pass.
He said, "I've got to find his mouth
So I can kick him in the ass."

When God created Woman
She had not two breasts but three
And the middle one got in the way
So God performed surgery.
And Woman stood in front of God
With the middle breast in her hand
She said, "What can we do with the useless boob?"
And God created Man.

"Mr. Jones, I have to complain
About your ten-year old son.
He's playing doctor with my daughter."
Mr. Jones said, "That's how it's done.
Kids explore sexuality.
I don't see what's the matter."
"Exploring sexuality, hell.
He took out her gall bladder."

I turned sixty the other day
And everybody was there
And I was dressed up in a suit
Sitting in my wheelchair
When a beautiful young naked woman
Stood up in front of the group.
She offered me some super sex
And I said, "I'll take the soup."

My daughter brought home a boyfriend
With great big ugly tattoos
And long black greasy hair
And Lord how he hit the booze.
I said, 'Darling, I'm sure he's nice,
But something makes me nervous."
She said, "He's extremely nice.
He's doing 500 hours of community service."

Ole went to the neighborhood dance
And he won the big door prize
It was a toilet brush and he took it home
And the next week one of the guys
Said, "Ole's, how's that toilet brush?
The one you got from the neighbors?"
And Ole said, "Oh, it works pretty good.
But I think I'd rather use paper."

There was a man named Skaggs
Bought two dozen condoms a week.
The drugstore clerk said nothing for months
And finally she had to speak.
What do you do with all those condoms?
It's simple, said Mr. Scraggs.
I feed them to my poodle
Now she poops in plastic bags.

The farmer had a champion bull
Who bred two hundred times a year.
The farmer's wife said, 'Two hundred!
Isn't that wonderful, dear?
Maybe you ought to watch him,
Maybe he'd show you how."
The farmer said, 'He's a heck of a bull
But it wasn't all with the same cow."

Viagara stolen. It's in the news.
Hardened criminals on the loose.

Your mama's fat, a five hundred pounder,
She got little fat people orbiting round her

The nice thing about Alzheimer's, men,
You enjoy the same jokes again and again

You know the reason that farts smell
Is so deaf people can enjoy em as well