Catchup Advisory Board|
Saturday, September 27, 3003
GK: …….after this message from the Catchup Advisory Board.
SS: These are the good years for Jim and me. Jim ran into an old friend from high school who sold him some new aluminum siding and now we live in a rather bright blue house and the Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses don't stop here anymore. I guess they figure we must be on drugs. The kids are in recovery and part of the therapy is that we don't talk to each other anymore, and it's been nice, I must admit. I come home from work and nobody is screaming and slamming doors. Call me a fool, but I like it. And did I mention I'm working now? I got a job as a museum guard at the Walker Art Center and it's a lot of fun. They show all these conceptual things, you know ---- sculpture that's actually just a bunch of rocks on the floor ---- and I like to go around when nobody's there and move things around. Take magic markers and add some color. ----- I was just about to heat up macaroni and cheese for supper the other night when I heard this awful sound (ENGINE) It was coming from the driveway---- Jim? (DOOR OPEN. ENGINE LOUDER) Jim??? ---- He couldn't hear me ---- finally, I had to hit him (KONK) to get him to turn the thing off---- (ENGINE DYING) Honey, what are you doing?
TR: It's a leaf blower, Barb. I'm clearing the driveway of dead leaves.
SS: But why not just rake them?
TR: Blowing them just feels more fulfilling to me, Barb. It just feels really really good.
SS: But you're blowing them onto the neighbor's yard.
SS: Is that fair?
TR: Barb, life is not fair. Fairness is not a concept found in nature. It's an artificial concept introduced by left-wing bleeding hearts.
SS: You've been listening to AM radio again, haven't you.
TR: I have. Yes.
SS: I told you not to do that, Jim. You tune in those talk shows and you're already pissed off because you're stuck in traffic and by the time you come home, you're ready to bomb other nations into submission. How would you feel if Mr. Hulsen blew his leaves over into our yard?
TR: I donno. I guess I'd be blinded by fury and go over there and tear him from limb to limb.
SS: But Mr. Hulsen is younger and more agile than you, Jim.
TR: I guess I'd have to take a gun, then.
SS: Jim----- honey ------I just wonder if you're getting enough Catchup. Catchup contains natural mellowing agents that help you gain perspective on what's really important.
TR: Maybe you're right. Let me just get this last corner, first---- (ENGINE START UP, AND FADE)
SS: Menopause is so much more complicated for men, somehow.
RD (SINGS): This is the good life, leaves are turning red,
Start up the leaf blower, get out the weed whacker,
Life is flowing like Catchup on a Wasa cracker
GK: Catchup. For the good times.
RD (SINGS): Catchup ... Catchup ...