A Prairie Home Companion: September 27, 3003

Republicans
Saturday, September 27, 3003
Listen

GK: So many people have asked me, How are you coming along in your struggle to become a Republican? And the answer is: it's not easy. But then so many worthwhile things are not easy.

It's easy to become a Republican when times are good. It's harder to do it when the economy is in the third year of recession and we have to pony up $87 billion to rebuild Iraq where we still can't find their nuclear weapons program and a good chunk of the money is going through the company that the Vice-President used to run ---- but I take these things as a challenge.

Why become a Republican? Because the best way to rid oneself of anger and frustration at what is happening in this country is to get on the side of the people who are doing it. And also you save a lot of money on gifts for same-sex weddings.

But I'm a Republican to find peace. I don't even read the news anymore. It doesn't concern me: I've got a president who is taking care of that stuff. And once you don't read the news, it's even easier to be a Republican.

We're all Republicans now,
We've all come around somehow
We're all wearing flight suits
With big parachutes.
We're all Republicans now.
We'll defend this land everywhere
From the comfort of our armchair.
We're proud to be patriots, glad to be hawks.
We salivate whenever Rush talks.
We're smarter and nicer and better than you.
We're chosen to lead, and God says so too.
He's a Republican
He's a Republican
He's a Republican now.

This summer was a good time to become a Republican because nobody else was doing it, and when you're the only one, they appreciate it more. The President sent me a personal note and a souvenir tie clasp and this summer he and I spent some quality time together fishing down there in west Texas.

(CRICKETS, BIRD CAWING AND SHRIEKING. WATER LAPPING)

GK: Nice lake you got here.

TR (BUSH): That's cause it's man-made. You make a lake yourself, you can get it the way you like it. (CAST, DISTANT SPLASH) Man-made lake, you get a nice oval shape to it. And you don't have a lot of trees dropping their leaves into the water and messing it up, you know what I mean?

GK: I do.

TR (BUSH): You know what I'm talking about here?

GK: I think so, yes. (REELING IN)

TR (BUSH): That's good. Country's got way too many trees, if you ask me. That's a primary cause of forest fires, you know.

GK: I've heard that.

TR (BUSH): You see a lot of trees in West Texas?

GK: Not many. No.

TR (BUSH): Don't need 'em. You see what I'm getting at here? You know what I'm saying?

GK: I think so.

TR (BUSH): How about we hurry up and catch a fish so we can get out of here?

GK: Sure.

TR (BUSH): Gimme your hook.

GK: (REELING IN) Okay----- what you doing?

TR (BUSH): Putting this little vibrator attachment on it. Go ahead. Cast it out there.

GK: Where?

TR (BUSH): Don't matter. Anywhere. There you go---- (CASTS) Nice.

GK: What's that you got?

TR (BUSH): It's the remote control. You just press it and it turns on the vibrator and that draws the fish. (BUZZ) You see? (DISTANT SPLASH)

GK: Gosh. A big one. (REEL PLAYING OUT) And he's on my hook. (STRAINING, REELING) Man, he's a big one.

Looks like a twenty or thirty-pounder.

TR (BUSH): Now I just press Recall and he (FISH FLOPPING)---- jumps right in the boat.

GK: Wow. That's incredible.

TR (BUSH): Okay. What do you say we get out of here? I don't care for fish myself. Kind of a French food, if you ask me. You ever been to France?

GK: I've been through France.

TR (BUSH): I went for the first time about a year ago. Nice hotel. Airport was very nice. Real quick. Got off Air Force One, honor guard right there to meet you, walk over to the car and get in and away you go. I like that.

GK: Yeah.

TR (BUSH): You speak French?

GK: I don't.

TR (BUSH): No need for you to, right?

GK: That's right.

TR (BUSH): Cause they all speak English, you know what I mean?

GK: Right.

TR (BUSH): Sometimes they pretend they don't, but they do. You know what I'm saying?

GK: Right.

TR (BUSH): They learn it in school. And when there aren't any Americans around, they speak it all the time. Because it makes sense to them, you know what I'm saying? It just plain makes sense.

GK: Right.

TR (BUSH): I learned some French. --- Learned it from these tapes that you put under your pillow. You know? Sleep learning? I took my nap and when I woke up, I could speak French.

GK: That's amazing.

TR (BUSH): You know this is going to have to be a secret between you and me, right? You know that.

TR (BUSH): You want to hear me say something French? Huh? Listen to this. (BUSH SPEAKS A FEW HESITANT SENTENCES OF FRENCH) How's that? Pretty good, huh? Anyway, I got so I could understand what they were saying when they think nobody's listening, and you know? They're talking about sex. It's true. If it's not about sex, it's about fish. And they've got all these secret names for fish. They don't call 'em bass, they call 'em by a code name. It has to do with sex. Secretive people, the French. And now I know why. Anyway, I don't care for fish. You want some beef instead?

GK: Okay.

(GUNSHOT)

TR (BUSH): There. Got you a beef. Let's head home. (MOTOR)

We're all Republicans now,
We've all come around somehow
Even old Democrats
Can change their hats.
We're all Republicans now.
Affirmative action must go
Unless it's somebody we know.
We'll put conservative judges back on the bench,
More executions, let's start with the French,
No more free lunch, everybody must pay,
If you want health care, Canada is that way
We're all Republicans
All Republicans
All Republicans now.