A Prairie Home Companion: October 11, 2003

Republicans
Saturday, October 11, 2003
Listen

GK: This country has never been so polarized as it is today, and that's why I've started the We're All Republicans Now campaign. I've been trying to be a Republican and ever since I've been happier, I've lost weight, I've been more productive, because I have an extra hour every day that I used to spend reading or listening to the news.

What is Republicanness but a simple acceptance that we want what is best for ourselves and keep what's mine and not give it to you. Why should I be taxed to pay for roads in Texas? I have no intention of driving on them. Public education should be the responsibility of those parents. Your child is not my problem. The Republican party understands this.

The FAA and Air Traffic Control, yes, National Weather Service, Coast Guard, military bands which I really like and parades and air shows, Amtrak, glad to pay for the things I use, the Smithsonian, and.the President and the White House, of course. Gotta have that. And I'm happy to pay for it.

TR (BUSH): Appreciate that. Hey---- I wrote some poems this week. You want to hear em?

GK: Yes, of course, Mr. President.

TR (BUSH): The First Lady went off to France and I had some extra time on my hands---- listen to this----

Roses are red, violets are blue.
You think I'm dumb but I'm smarter than you.
I'll win the red states and some of the blue,
And get four more years to show what I can do.
Those poor Democrats will get bluer and bluer

And realize I'm a winner for sure,
When my latest polls they have read.
That's all for tonight. Now I'm going to bed.

Pretty good, huh?

GK: Not bad, Mr. President.

TR (BUSH): I like your show a lot more now that you're not political. I think I'm like most Americans in that I really don't care about politics. I just want to do what's right. You know what I'm getting at?

GK: I do.

TR (BUSH): I come home from the office, politics is the last thing I want to be thinking about. I want to relax and watch a ballgame.

GK: It's exciting, isn't it ----- the Chicago Cubs and the Boston Red Sox in the running, two teams that haven't won a championship since back in the horse and buggy days----

TR (BUSH): Oh? Where' d you get that? The Texas Rangers are in the championship.

GK: But their season is over now.

TR (BUSH): I just saw em win last night.

GK: That must've been a rerun.

TR (BUSH): I don't know what you're talking about. They've been winning all year.

GK: The Texas Rangers?

TR (BUSH): Yep.

GK: I wonder if you're getting accurate information, Mr. President.

TR (BUSH): You know, I wonder if maybe you're still watching one of those far-left sports channels ---- the Texas Rangers are champions this year.

GK: Do you ever check the sports page? To verify this?

TR (BUSH): I don't see the need for it.

GK: You don't see a need to ask questions?

TR (BUSH): You know something? You're trying to be a Republican and you're not quite there yet. I'm the President. You're not. Don't ever forget it.

GK: Yes, sir.

TR (BUSH): Sing your song now.

GK: (SINGS)

We're all Republicans now
We've all come around somehow
We stand in the light
That shines on the right
We're all Republicans now
We are proud to be free
And that means the GOP.

We'll warm up the globe just as much as we want.
If you don't like it, go live in Vermont.
Or find a new planet, like Venus or Mars.
Earth is for us and our 20-ton cars.
We're all Republicans,
All Republicans,
We're all Republicans now.