A Prairie Home Companion: October 18, 2003

Shave Cream
Saturday, October 18, 2003
Listen

GK: right after this message... (ELECTRIC BASS RIFF)

TR: (MONSTER TRUCK ANNOUNCER) You're a tough guy and you've got a tough beard. You've tried Atra and Mach III and (ROUGH RASP, GASP OF PAIN) after the blood was mopped up, you still weren't smooth . . . the way she likes it.

SS: Hi. I just want it to be us, skin to skin. If I wanted to sleep with a hedgehog, I'd go into the forest.

TR: You've tried electric razors (BUZZ) and you've tried belt sanders (SFX) and you've tried tweezers (PING, SHUDDER OF PAIN) but have you tried Gamma Five Shave Cream?

TK: What?

TR: Gamma Five Shave Cream is the aerosol cream that contains (AEROSOL CAN) radioactive isotopes that penetrate your face to neutralize beard particles at the root. Your beard will vaporize on impact and may not reappear within your lifetime.

TK: But is it safe?

TR: You're a tough guy. You can handle it.

SS: I love your face now. It's so smooth. And luminous. I love the way you glow.

TK: You're right. I can handle it.

TR: So can you. Gamma Five Shave Cream from Facial Dynamics. With Mentho-Lepton for that tingly fresh just-stepped-out-of-a-linear-accelerator feeling. Use it and your beard disappears. Forever. (BASS RIFF)

GK: Void where prohibited by international treaty.