A Prairie Home Companion with Garrison Keillor

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Saturday, October 25, 2003
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GK: Our sound-effects man, Tom Keith, barely made it here in time for the show today. He drove up north three days ago in his BMW (FAST CAR, ACCEL THROUGH GEARS) to close up his lake cabin for the season. Up on the Gunflint Trail. Beautiful up there. (LOON) He did some repairs to the roof (HAMMER, SAW) where a tree had fallen and he got out his blowtorch (BLOWTORCH) and fixed the waterpipes that a porcupine had chewed through and he cut down a few trees (CHAINSAW) just for the heck of it, just to see them fall (TREE CREAKING AND CRASHING) and he was just about to lock the place up tight (DOOR CLOSE, LOCKS) when suddenly an elk (ELK) charged out of the trees (ELK, HOOVES) , heading straight for him and Tom went up a tree (YELP, CLIMBING) and the elk crashed right through the front door (SPLINTERING WOOD) and ran around in there (BREAKING GLASS) and ate a whole bottle of prescription pain killers. (PILL BOTTLE SHAKE AND ELK GULP, AND ELK SIGH OF PLEASURE) and now the elk set about busting the glassware (BREAKAGE) and the TV set (CRUNCH, CRASH) and Tom's set of fifty souvenir plates from all fifty states (CRASH) and the elk was feeling no pain and he crashed out through the picture window (BREAKING GLASS) and he had the car keys and he drove off (ENGINE STARTING, TIRES SQUEALING, CAR DRIVING OFF) Tom did not panic. He was, after all, a Boy Scout. He took his chainsaw and went into the woods and started cutting down trees (CHAINSAW, TREES CRASHING) so they'd fall and spell out the word HELP. (CHAINSAW, TREES CRASHING) He cut down three trees to form the "H" and started on the "E," (CHAINSAW) but one tree fell the wrong way and he ended up with an "A." So now he had to cut down trees to spell out "PLEASE GIVE ME A HAND." Which took him a lot longer. (CHAINSAW, TREES CRASHING) As the sun set, (CRICKETS, OWL) he wasn't done yet, and he realized he had to do something else, so he did something desperate. He lit a cigarette. (LIGHTER, PUFFING) Now, Minnesota has strong anti-smoking laws and in no time, the State Health Patrol (HELICOPTER) came in and got Tom in their spotlight (P.A.) and he was arrested and the chopper headed back toward Duluth (CHOPPER) and Tom explained his predicament to the pilot who got on the radio (STATIC, INDISTINCT TALKING) and they got permission to divert to St. Paul and flew at top speed (HELICOPTER) down here to the Fitzgerald Theater and Tom leaped from the door (

TK: "Geronimo!") and dropped through a skylight in the ceiling. (SHATTERING GLASS) and rappelled down to the stage on a rope and here he is.

TK: I rappelled. I didn't rappel. I rappelled.

GK: No, repelled is what the show does sometimes. You rappelled.

TK: Whatever.

GK: And tomorrow Tom begins his 300 hours of community service, working for the Department of Natural Resources, on their elk census. (ELK)