A Prairie Home Companion with Garrison Keillor

Carp
Saturday, November 8, 2003
Listen

GK: .......brought to you by CARP, the Charlottesville Animal Rights Program. And here is its spokesperson, Betsy Jewell.

SS: All of us recognize the need to control our domestic animal populations, and at CARP----we've sought a way----

GK: You mean, keep the number of dogs and cats down----

SS: Right. At CARP we've sought a way to restrict animal reproduction without operative procedures that may cause pain and suffering to the animal-----

GK: By operative procedures you mean spaying or castrating----neutering.....

SS: Right. We've looked for pain-free alternatives to neutering and we've found that giving a dog or cat a bad haircut can have the same effect.

GK: I see.

SS: Especially the hair on the animal's head and around the animal's hind quarters.

GK: Your dog or cat's butt.

SS: You cut the hair so it'll really short on one side and long on the other. You chop it. Maybe you wax it so it sticks out. Or you could dye it pink or green. Or both. It discourages other animals from breeding with your animal.

GK: An ugly haircut.

SS: A really bad haircut can save you having to find homes for a litter of cats.

GK: And this is considered merciful?

SS: It's not as bad as surgery.

GK: Did you not go through adolescence?

SS: We also find that breeding can be prevented by dressing animals in pants.

GK: You put pants on your cat?

SS: I do. Lederhosen.

GK: And how do you make sure the cat doesn't take its pants down?

SS: There's suspenders.

GK: And that's not painful?

SS: No.

GK: It must be, if it's tight enough to keep the pants up. And you don't think your cat feels humiliated wearing lederhosen. How would you feel? And with tight suspenders-----

SS: It's not tight. We keep the lederhosen up with duct tape.

GK: You duct tape your cat's lederhosen -----

SS: She doesn't mind.

GK: She? You're putting lederhosen on a female cat?

SS: And we gave her pink hair.

GK: You're torturing an animal.

SS: Our dog doesn't mind either. He likes green plaid polyester pants. And it keeps him from ever becoming a daddy.

GK: This is cruel.

SS: He wears those pants right up to his chest, and we gave him a bald spot and he just lies around and sleeps and watches television.

GK: You know something, your hair is not that attractive either.

SS: You should talk.

GK: That hairstyle was over a long time ago. And where did you get those slacks? They really make your butt look big. I take it you have no interest in dating people-----

SS: You seem to have gained quite a bit of weight recently. You know that? Speaking of big butts-----

GK: A message from CARP, Charlottesville Animal Rights Program.