January 24, 2004
GK: …….after this message from the Catchup Advisory Board.
SS: These are the good years for Jim and me. We switched to a new brand of paper towels and suddenly Jim's mood swings leveled out. The kids are fine apparently because we never hear from them. I was having trouble breathing but it turned out that my blouse had shrunk in the wash. We slipped some Valium into Mother's prune juice and for the first time in years we had a very pleasant visit with her. She thought she was eleven years old and attending a Shirley Temple double feature and she just sat there and shuckled. And we gained some extra income when we stopped the upstairs toilet from running. We should have been happy. And then one day I found a membership form for a health club in Jim's cardigan ---- Jim, what are you doing?
TR: I need to lose weight. .
SS: Oh, Jim. You already belong to two health clubs, why a third?
TR: This one uses a passive system of exercise, Barb. You just put your arms and legs into a machine and it runs you around like a marionette.
SS: Maybe it'd help if you cut down on beer and hamburgers, Jim.
TR: That's the new diet I'm on, it's called the Supply Side diet. You gain weight and your body has to work harder to carry it around and that makes you lose weight.
SS: Oh, Jim. Why are you worrying about this now?
TR: Every morning on my way to work I sit at the same stop light and look at a billboard with a picture of a guy in his shorts and the guy has abs you could straighten a nail on. I want to look like that.
SS: Why? Studies show that people with perfect bodies have a 65% higher incidence of stupidity. It's true. Sit-ups and push-ups take blood away from the brain until gradually you're unable to remember your own PIN numbers. Your brain needs rest, Jim. And it needs Catchup.
SS: Catchup is the perfect food. It's low in carbohydrates and it contains natural mellowing agents that help you relax and keep things in perspective.
RD (SINGS): The gift to be simple is the gift to be free-
Be happy, don't worry, avoid complexities
Make a pizza, pour Catchup on your cheese.
GK: Catchup. For the good times.
RD (SINGS): Catchup…Catchup…