Saturday,
February 7, 2004
Listen
…..brought to you by the Catchup Advisory Board. (PIANO)
SS: These are the good years for Jim and me. We got on a Northwest flight to Little Rock and the co-pilot spilled some coffee on the autopilot and we flew most of the way upside down before they got it fixed, which if you look in the small print on the back of the ticket, is the passenger's responsibility, not the airline's, but anyway they gave us a couple extra bags of pretzels and a free luggage tag, so we were happy, and then we got to Hot Springs and checked into the Alhambra Motel and put on our new decorator swim suits and went and sat in the hot baths and felt completely and utterly and absolutely relaxed for the first time in our adult lives and then I noticed that Jim's face was completely blank. What's wrong, Jim? What happened?
TR: I can't move, Barb. I'm paralyzed.
SS: You can't move?
TR: I can't move. I can't even raise my eyebrow. I've had a stroke or something.
SS: Say "preposterous".
TR: Preposterous.
SS: Perspicacity.
TR: Perspicacity.
SS: Say Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin.
TR: Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin.
SS: You haven't suffered a stroke, Jim. You've just become over-relaxed.
TR: I can't even curl my lip.
SS: It's the steam bath. You're too relaxed. Your motor skills have gone to sleep, Jim. You need to panic. Wake yourself up.
TR: I don't think I can.
SS: Try.
TR: How?
SS: Imagine I'm just about to shoot you.
TR: But you're Unitarian, Barb.
SS: Imagine I'm Baptist. That's why I'm here in the water.
TR: But you don't have a gun.
SS: Maybe I have a torpedo.
TR: I don't believe you.
SS: Okay. My hands are lethal weapons then. (JUDO CRIES) I prey on the weak and paralyzed.
TR: I'm not feeling panic yet.
SS: (JUDO CRIES) How about now?
TR: I feel a faint sense of alarm.
SS: Oh look, a letter just came for you with some white powder on it. (SNEEZES) Oh I'm sorry honey, I just got that powder all over your face.
TR: Nope. No panic.
SS: I want a divorce, Jim.
TR: Okay.
SS: I want the house.
TR: Okay.
SS: You can have the car and a sleeping bag.
TR: Fine.
SS: And the TV.
TR Okay. You don't want the TV?
SS: No, Jeff has his own. A bigger one. Ultra-thin with flat panel display. No?
TR: No.
SS: The kids are moving back home. (SHRIEK, SPLASH) Good. It worked. Let's go back to the motel, Jim, and open up the refrigerator door and chill. Steam and heat can be dangerous for Minnesotans. We need pain to keep us going. Next time we're looking for relaxation, let's try Catchup. Catchup contains natural mellowing agents and that's all the relaxation anybody needs.
RD (SINGS): I come from Minnesota,
I'm not the Sheik of Araby.
So cold and flat, how bad would the Sahara be?
Reach for Catchup instead of hydrotherapy.
GK: Catchup. For the good times.
RD (SINGS): Catchup…Catchup…
