Duct Tape
Saturday, February 7, 2004
Listen

……we'll be back after a word about duct tape-----(PIANO ARPEG….) (CLINK OF DISHES, GLASSWARE)

TR (RICH GUY): It was so good of you to come all the way from Minnesota to Greenwich to meet Daphne and me, Carl----

TR (RICH GUY'S WIFE): Yes indeed. And I hope that the parsnip bisque was to your liking?

FN: It was great, Mr. and Mrs. Postlethwaite.

TR (RICH GUY'S WIFE): Oh please. Call us Roderick and Daphne.

TR (RICH GUY): Yes. After all, you're soon to be a member of the family, right, Julie?

SS: Oh Daddy! Do you approve?

TR (RICH GUY): Absolutely. Carl is a young man with his head on his shoulders and as soon as he gets a better grasp of how the President's tax cuts are helping the entire country and not just those of us at the top, he'll be a tremendous addition to the family.

FN: Would you excuse me, please?

SS: Are you all right, Carl?

FN: Yes, of course. Where is your lavatory?

TR (RICH GUY'S WIFE): Right through the billiard room and before the solarium

FN: Thanks. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPEN, CLOSE. RUNNING FOOTSTEPS. DOOR OPEN, CLOSE. RUNNING FOOTSTEPS. DOOR OPEN.) (TO HIMSELF, BREATHING HARD) Oh man. I gotta go so bad, I just hope I can get unzipped before I---- (BIG RIP) Oh no. My best pants. What am I going to do now???? (BRIDGE)

GK: Not a problem if you remembered to bring duct tape along. Now duct tape comes in a flat roll ---- 500 feet of duct tape folded to the size of a Palm Pilot. Because you never know when disaster will strike. (BIG RIP)

FN: I had no duct tape and so I had to crawl out the bathroom window and run across the grounds and a dog chased me and tore off more of my pants and I was arrested for public indecency and (GAVEL BONKS, ECHOEY) I was sent up for six months and (PRISON DOOR SHUTS) six weeks later Mr. Postlethwaite joined me---

TR (RICH GUY): Oh, hello Carl.

FN: He'd been convicted of stock fraud. We spent two months together in the same cell and hatched a scheme to sell burial insurance to teenagers and I got out and I did and he turned state's evidence and I was sent up for fifteen years. All because I forgot the duct tape.

GK: Carl's life is forever ruined but yours needn't be. It just makes sense to carry duct tape wherever you go. A message from the American Duct Tape Council. (QUACKS) Duct tape….it's almost the only thing that really works sometime.