Saturday, April 10, 2004
Listen
GK: For those of you who haven't attended church since Christmas and forget how it goes, here's an Easter briefing from Evelyn Lundquist at the Evelyn Lundquist Counselling Agency.
SS (MINNESOTAN): Okay, listen up. I'm only going to say this once. Once you get in there in the sanctuary, don't dilly-dally around looking for the best seat, all right? Just park it somewhere. Preferably up toward the front. Lots of space. It won't kill you to sit up there. It's only an hour. When the pastor raises his hands that means "Stand up." Either that or he's having a mystical experience which, this being a Lutheran church, ain't exactly likely. He'll lower his hands when it's time to sit. Pay attention, or you'll be the only one left standing and believe me, that's not a happy feeling. When the organ plays, it's time to sing, and if you don't know the hymn, don't feel you have to sing too loud. Let other people do the work. Now when the offering basket comes around, have your little offering envelope ready. Stick your money inside. Especially if you're only giving a few bucks, you don't want everybody to know it. As for communion, when the chalice is put to your lips, let the server tip it, don't grab hold of it yourself. And don't comment on the wine and say something like, Boy that sure hit the spot. Just get back to your seat. When you hear "Thanks be to God," that's it, get up and exit at the back of the church. The pastor will be waiting to shake your hand. Don't stop to explain why you haven't been in church. Just keep moving and head down to coffee hour down in the basement, don't block the hallway, and if you take something from the pastry table, drop a couple of bucks in the can. The ladies' auxiliary baked fresh cinnamon rolls this morning and if you think they're not going to be watching you from the kitchen you're about to walk into a world of hurt. Now, be careful where you sit down because if you sit in the wrong place, people will talk your ear off and you won't get out until noon and even so they'll follow you to your car and talk out there. Maybe you should skip the coffee hour. Good luck and if you get confused, come and find me or one of my assistants; we're the ones wearing the badges with a cross shaped like a question mark, okay?
GK: Evelyn Lundquist with a briefing for Easter.
