Saturday, April 17, 2004
Find more Pretty Good Jokes.
Control freak. Now you say, control freak who?
A lawyer was playing golf when he got hit by a ball. When the player came over looking for the ball, the lawyer said "I'm a lawyer, and this will cost you $5,000." "I'm sorry," said the golfer, "But I did say 'fore'." "I'll take it," said the lawyer.
When the rooster saw all the colored Easter eggs, he got jealous and killed the peacock.
Martha Stewart has a new recipe for tuna casserole that serves 6-8.
Martha Stewart has a new recipe for chicken casserole. You boil the chicken and dump the stock.
There was a pro-Martha Stewart rally. Only four people showed up, and three of them were made out of crepe paper.
Kobe Bryant added an "O" to his bracelet so now it stands for "What Would O.J. Do?"
Kobe Bryant's teammates don't believe the stories about him because he's never made a pass before.
They gave Kobe a vocabulary test and he thinks harass is two words.
What does Michael Jackson like about twenty eight year olds?
There are twenty of them.
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with. The other is used to carry groceries.
The police pulled Janet Jackson over because her right headlight was out.
After the Super Bowl, President Bush called the Patriots to congratulate them on their victory and Al Gore called the Panthers to say he thought they'd been robbed, and Bill Clinton called Janet Jackson.
John Kerry has two problems. People outside the northeast don't know who he is, and people inside the northeast do.
John Kerry was running behind, but thanks to the fact that he's married to Teresa Heinz, he was able to ketchup.
After the primaries, President Bush called John Kerry to congratulate him. I'm not sure what they talked about, but I think we can rule out swapping war stories.
Mrs. Bush is opposed to same-sex marriage. She’s been trying to get George to do something different for years.
Why can't Episcopalians play chess?
They can't tell the difference between a bishop and a queen.
The reason America is running low on oil is that most of it is in Alaska and most of the dipsticks are in Washington.
There was a contentious staff meeting at the White House about the health of Dick Cheney. Bush interrupted and said, "Men do not have anginas." He was upset because someone had said Cheney had acute angina.
The problem with CEOs is that the 90% who are crooked give the rest a bad name.
The convicts were in the exercise yard at the federal prison in Danbury and one of them said, "You know, this is the first time that our entire board of directors has been together at one time."
President Reagan didn't vote in the California election because recall's not his thing any more.
America—the land of opportunity—where even the President of the United States can dream of one day being elected President of the United States.
"Boat number 99, come in, please. Your time is up. Return to the dock immediately or I'll have to charge you overtime."
"Boss, we only have 75 boats. There is no number 99."
(PAUSE) "Boat number 66, are you in trouble?"
Wendy wind blows the cradle will rock.
"These turkeys in your frozen food section seem so small. Do they get any bigger?"
"No ma'am, they're dead."
How did Dracula come to America?
He sailed in a blood vessel.
Why did the blonde have square boobs?
She forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
What did the DNA say to the other DNA?
Do these genes make me look fat?
What do you call forty guys watching the Super Bowl?
The Minnesota Vikings.
Did you ever hear the joke about the broken pencil?
Did you ever hear the joke about the broken pencil who?
Never mind, it's pointless.
A mushroom walked into a bar and bought everyone drinks. He was a fun gi to have around.
How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
Twenty. One primary care physician to change it and nineteen to take it apart and look at it under a microscope.
Ole was the only Lutheran in his little town of all Catholics. That was okay, but the neighbors had a problem with his barbecuing venison every Friday. Since they couldn't eat meat on Friday, the tempting aroma was getting the best of them. So the neighbors got together and went over and persuaded Ole to join their church. The big day came and the priest had Ole kneel. He put his hand on Ole's head and said, "Ole, you were born a Lutheran, you were raised a Lutheran, and now," he said as he sprinkled some incense over Ole's head, "now you are a Catholic!"
Ole was happy and the neighbors were happy. But the following Friday evening at suppertime, there was again that aroma coming from Ole's yard. The neighbors went to talk to him and as they approached the fence, they heard Ole saying: "You were born a whitetail deer, you were raised a whitetail, and now," he said with a sprinkle of seasoning, "now you are a walleye!"
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
How can you tell a boy tuna from a girl tuna?
Watch to see which "can" they use.
My computer fell on the floor and slipped a disk.
The cannibals went to the wedding and toasted the bride and groom.
What happens if you play blues music backwards?
Your wife comes back and treats you okay and you don't wake up in the morning.
There's been a falling-out between Madonna and Cher. Apparently they're no longer on a first-name basis.
Did you hear a guy was murdered in town last night? Police found the victim face down in his bathtub, which was filled with milk, cornflakes, and sugar. They think it was a cereal killer.
Once upon a time, a beautiful young antelope had a wild date in the forest, so she was getting all gussied up—new dress, makeup, everything. Suddenly, as she was just about ready, she was stampeded by a herd of wildebeests, becoming the world's first self-dressed, stamped antelope.
There were two fish in a tank and one turns to the other and says, "Do you know how to drive this thing?
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
How many singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Eighteen. One to do it and seventeen to be on the guest list.
How do you join the choir?
You go into the church looking for the AA meeting and you go into the wrong room by mistake and they're so happy to see you that you don't dare leave.
In Lutheran families, the man makes the coffee because in Scripture it says, HEBREWS."
Why don't Lutherans smoke?
Their butts can't fit in the ashtray.
How do we know that Adam and Eve were Lutheran?
Who else could stand beside a naked woman and be tempted by a piece of fruit?
Lutherans get rid of squirrels by baptizing them and making them members. That way, they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Why are we quiet in church?
Because people are sleeping.
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
You can't get kids to eat broccoli.
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"
One of them turned to the other and said, "You be Jesus!"
What's the difference between a nurse and a nun?
A nun only serves one God.
A woman was buying airplane tickets for herself and her five babies. The ticket agent said, "Are those qintuplets? If they are, the tickets are complimentary under our free quint flyer program."
My cousin is a transvestite. He likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
My cousin is an invisible man who married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
My cousin is a light eater. As soon as it's light, he starts to eat.
Have you heard of the new diet for guitar players?
It's called the Chet Atkins diet. All you do is pick at your food.
What does your daddy do for a living?
My daddy's dead.
What did he do before he died?
He sort of clutched at his chest and fell over.
One day the captain of the royal barge went down to address the slaves chained to the oars. "Men, the good news is that the queen will be joining us today for a trip up the river. The bad news is she wants to go water skiing."
What’s large, gray, and doesn’t matter?
Why are elephants big, wrinkled, large, gray, hairy?
Because of they were small, white, smooth, round, and hairless, they'd be aspirin tablets.
What do you call a fish with no I?
What is Helen Keller's favorite color?
Did you know Helen Keller had a dollhouse in her back yard?
No, and neither did she.
How did Helen Keller drive?
One hand on the wheel and one hand on the road.
The man who wrote the Hokey-Pokey died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into his coffin. They put his left leg in. Then the trouble started.
(Yelling) "How do I get to the other side of the lake?"
(Yelling) "You are on the other side of the lake!"
I saw Ronald McDonald naked. He has sesame seed buns.
What do Mack the Knife, Attila the Hun and Jabba the Hutt have in common?
The same middle name.
I have a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder. But it's sad that I never knew my real ladder.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
Some turtles went on a picnic. It took them ten days to get there, and when they arrived they realized they'd forgotten the bottle opener. So they sent the littlest one back for it. He said, "No, as soon as I go you'll eat the sandwiches." But they promised they wouldn't and he left. They waited for him ten days, twenty days, and after thirty days they were so hungry they had to eat a sandwich. And as soon as they took a bite, the turtle came out from behind a rock and said, "See? That's why I'm not going!"
George W. Bush in the White House is like a turtle on a post. "You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help him get down."
What is forty feet long and smells like urine?
Line dancing at the nursing home.
What do you get when you mix beans and onions?
How are blondes like cowpies?
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
The boss said, "Who said that just because I tried to kiss you at the office Christmas party you could neglect to do your work around here?
The secretary said, "My lawyer did."
What would you call it when an Italian breaks his arm?
A speech impediment.
How did the Irish Jig get started?
Too much to drink and not enough restrooms.
People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.
Old lady: "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
Old man: "An elephant?"
Old lady: "Close enough."
One day, two old folks were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time...but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes he just stared and glared at her. Finally he said, "How soon do you need to know?"
I found a lump in my breast. Lucky for me it was just my belt buckle.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
They're taking out all the K-Marts in Iraq and putting in targets.
My name's Pavlov. Ring a bell?
Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day, but set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Stevie Wonder says to Tiger Woods, "I've been having trouble with my golf game." Tiger says, "You play golf? But you're blind." Stevie says, "Yeah but I just have my caddy put a beeper in the hole and I do pretty good. In fact, I'm usually under par." Tiger says. "We sould play a round some time." Stevie says, "Sure. Any time. Pick a night."
A little boy came home crying: "A car hit Jimmy's dog. Hit him right in the ass."
His mom said, "No, honey, you mean rectum."
"Rectum? Almost killed him!"
Why does a blond nurse always carry a red pen?
To draw blood.
Why do blondes need transparent lunchboxes?
So they can tell if they're coming home or going to work.
Why does it take blondes so long to drive to Florida?
Every time they see a sign that says, "clean restrooms," they stop and do it.
The blonde was so proud because she finished a puzzle in 52 days that said "2-3 years."
The blonde got pregnant and had a maternity test to make sure it was hers.
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "O.K., Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy, W."
A blonde arrived at the emergency room with her finger all mangled. The ER doctor asked her how it happened. "Well," she said, "I wanted to commit suicide so I took a gun and I put to my chest and then I thought, I don't want to ruin that $10,000 dollar breast enhancement surgery! So I put the gun in my mouth and I thought, I don't want to ruin the $12,000 of dental work that gave me this beautiful smile! So I decided to stick the gun in my ear. Then I thought, you know, this is going to be REALLY loud."
Rene Descartes walks into a bar and has a beer. After a while the bartender asks him if he wants another beer. He says, "I think not," and disappears.
John Kerry walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
A woman goes into a bar and asks for a "double entendre." So the bartender gives her one.
An Irishman walks into a bar in Cork city and asks the barman: "What's the quickest way to get to Dublin?" "Are you walking or driving?" asks the barman.
"Driving," says the man.
"That's the quickest way," says the barman.
A baby seal walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What can I get you?" The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club."
What were the best three years of George Bush's life?
How does the blind parachutist know when he's getting close to the ground?
The leash goes slack.
Why did the lollipop cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken.
A woman goes into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'd just as soon have a baby as get a tooth pulled." The dentist says, "Make up your mind. I have to adjust the chair."
How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?
We don't know, They've never tried.
Martha Stewart says, each spice has its secret. The key to thyme is how it is served.
What is John Kerry's favorite breakfast place?
The Waffle House.
What does he order?
What are they going to do if they catch Michael Jackson with another eight-year-old boy?
Give him his own parish.
Victoria's secret is having a Janet Jackson sale. Bras are half off.
Why were Helen Keller's hands purple?
She heard it through the grapevine.
A Czech man went to the eye doctor to have his vision checked. The eye chart said: CVKPMWXFCZ. The doctor said, "Can you read that?" The man said, "Can I read it? I dated her once."
The Pentagon knows there are weapons of mass destruction in Iraq because they kept the receipts.
Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the secondhand store.
A guy goes to the doctor's office and the doctor says, "I haven't seen you for a while." The guy says, "I know, I've been sick."
Why do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering?
A man and his wife are watching the news about gay marriage. The man says, "Haven't they suffered enough already?"
Two caterpillars are sitting on a branch and a butterfly flies over head. One caterpillar says to the other, "You'll never get me up in one of those."
Did you hear about the geography teacher who wet the bed?
His only weakness was incontinence.
An undertaker comes up to the elderly widow after the funeral and asks, "How old was your husband?"
"98. Two years older than me."
"So you're 96."
"Hardly worth going home, is it?"
While visiting his niece, an elderly man had a stroke. The woman drove wildly to get him to the emergency room. After what seemed like a very long wait, the E.R. doctor appeared wearing his scrubs and a long face. Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid that your uncle's brain is dead, but his heart is still beating."
"Oh, dear, we've never had a liberal in the family before."
Pentagon officials now believe they have found Osama Bin Laden because he has found a place in which to hide where you can buy your way in no one will remember you were there, and you have no obligations: the Texas Air National Guard.
Did you know the U.S. has already converted to the metric system?
We have a ½ liter in charge of the country.
Communism: You have two cows. You take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your brother in law, who then sells you all four cows back, which gives you five cows in the annual report which gives you a tax exemption for eight cows. But you're not aware of it at the time.
Republicans and Democrats have a lot in common. Republicans wear $1,000 suits, and Democrats drive $1,000 cars.
A vacationer from New York found his way into a bar in Billings, Montana and began some serious drinking. After he was well past the legal limit, he stood up and shouted, "Every last Democrats is a horses' asses!" The crowd jumped on him and beat him up.
After a week he returned to the same bar and, had some drinks and stood up and shouted, "Every last Republican is a horses' ass!" The crowd descended upon him and beat him into silly putty again.
He asks the bartender, "Who are these people anyway?" "You don't understand," the attendant replied. "This is horse country."
There's a new bumper sticker that says "Run, Hillary, Run." The Democrats put it on their back bumper, and Republicans put it on their front bumper.
What do you call a building full of guitarists?
How do you torture an engineer?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.
What do you call 50,000 geeks playing Monopoly?
When NASA started sending up astronauts, they discovered that ballpoint pens don't work in zero gravity. So they spent twelve million dollars and more than a decade developing a pen that writes under any condition, on almost every surface. The Russians used a pencil.
The accountant couldn’t get to sleep so he tried counting sheep but then he made a mistake and it took him all night to find it.
A skinhead and his girlfriend are walking down the street. She sees a ring in a store window and says, "I'd really like that ring." The skinhead says, "No problem." He throws a brick through the window and grabs the ring. A couple blocks later, the girlfriend spots a leather jacket in another store window. The skinhead says, "No problem." He picks up another brick throws it through the window, grabs the jacket, and they walk on. Later, they pass a Mercedes showroom, and she says, "I would love that car." He says to her, "Do you think I'm made of bricks?"
A man and woman are standing at the altar, about to be married, when the bride-to-be looks at her prospective groom and sees that he has a set of golf clubs with him.
"What on earth are you doing with those golf clubs in church?" she whispered. He replied, "This isn't going to take all afternoon, is it?"
Have you heard about the new Playboy for married men? The centerfold is the same every month.
"Somebody stole my wife's credit card." "That's terrible." "Not really. Whoever took it is spending a lot less than she did."
I saw two houseflies in the kitchen today. Both females. They were on the phone.
"What do you mean by coming home half-drunk?"
"I ran out of money."
"Honey, will you love me when I'm old and overweight?"
"Yes, I do."
"Mrs. Peterson, are you sexually active?" "No, doctor, mostly I just lie there."
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
A Woman's Prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for wisdom, to understand a man; love, to forgive him; and patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for strength I'll just beat him to death.
My friend is engaged in a major custody battle. His wife doesn't want him and his mother won't take him back.
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it’s time to go back to childhood, they’re already there.
"Do you take off your glasses because you think it makes you look better?"
"No, because it makes you look better."
Man: "Did you know that women use about 30,000 words a day and a man uses only about 15,000?"
Woman: "That' s because we have to repeat everything."
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be open by the time she brings it.
What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
About eight beers.
"Do you smoke after sex?"
"I don't know. I never looked."
"Aren't you wearing that wedding ring on the wrong hand?
"Yes, I married the wrong man."
My husband took a Viagra and it got stuck in his throat and now he has a stiff neck.
"I look in the mirror, and it's so depressing. My face is all wrinkled, my legs are fat, my arms are flabby and my butt is hanging out."
"Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
"Father Flanagan, my husband is dead."
"Did he have any last requests?"
"Yes, he did. He said 'honey, put down the gun.'"
"I'm a little nervous, doctor. This is my first operation."
"I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that I've amputated the wrong leg. The good news is that the other leg doesn't have to be amputated at all."
A man goes to his proctologist. On the table are a tube of KY jelly, rubber gloves, and a bottle of beer. What's the beer for? It's a butt light.
"Surgeon General, what are the results of my Brain scan?"
"Mr. President, your brain has a left side and a right side."
"Well, everyone has two side to their brain, don't they?"
"Yes, but in your brain, on the left side there isn't anything right, and on the right side there isn't anything left."
Guy walks into his optometrist's office and says "Doctor, I just can't see as far as I used to." The optometrist takes him outside and points to the sky and says, "What's that?" The guy says, "It's the sun." The optometrist replies, "So, how far do you want to see?"
"I think I'm a moth."
"I think you need a psychiatrist."
"So, why did you come in here to the gas station?"
"The light was on."
I've decided to do some volunteer work. I'm joining the committee to re-defeat the president.
Why did Helen Keller play the piano with one hand?
Because she sang with the other.
The waters receded and the ark settled and Noah told the animals to go forth and multiply. He was cleaning out the ark, and he saw a couple of snakes still there. He said, "Didn't I tell you to go forth and multiply?" They said, "We can't multiply. We're adders."
How do you get a Unitarian family to leave town?
You burn a question mark on their front lawn.
What does it take to keep an Amish woman happy?
Ole lay dying, and he said, "Is my wife here?" Lena said, "Are my children here?" they said, "Yes, we're all here." He said, "Are my relatives all here?" They said, "Yes. We're all here." Ole said, "If you're all here, why is the light on in the kitchen?"
Ole was first dating Lena, and he took her to New Ulm. In the restaurant Ole said, "Hey, Lena, would you like a cocktail before dinner?" "Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"
After dinner, he said, "Hey, would you like a cigarette?" "Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"
Ole vas driving Lena home when they passed the Romeo Motel. He said, "Hey, Lena, how would you like to stop at that motel with me?" "Yah, Ole, dot would be nice," said Lena.
Ole asked, "But vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?" "The same ting I always tell them. You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time!"