Mystery
Saturday, May 1, 2004
Listen

(CHORDS)

TR: RADIO MYSTERY THEATER. (FOOTSTEPS. DISTANT WOOFS. OWL)

SS (ADENOIDAL CHILD): Mister?

GK: Who are you?

SS (ADENOIDAL CHILD): Melissa.

GK: Where's your family?

SS: I don't know. They just went away and left me behind.

GK: Left behind?

SS: Uh huh.

GK: Any idea where they went?

SS: No.

GK: They didn't say anything?

SS No.

GK: Suddenly they were just gone?

SS: Yes.

GK: Is your family Baptist?

SS: Yes.

GK: Are you thinking the same thing I'm thinking?

SS: (WEEPILY) Yes.

GK: You're thinking maybe they were raptured.

SS: (WHISPER) Yes.

GK: I guess we could look around and see if there are other saved people here-----

SS: Okay.

GK: Do you see people carrying a black leather-bound King James Bible with a concordance and a little yellow ribbon to mark where you are in your daily Scripture reading? Do you see any WWJD bumper stickers?

SS: No.

GK: How about people with their eyes closed and their hands in the air? See any of those?

SS: No.

GK: How about people with little crosses on chains around their necks?

SS: Just Catholics.

GK: Oh. Well, let's go straight to the top. Just a sec. (DIALING BEEPS. PHONE RING AT OTHER END. SECOND RING. THIRD RING. FOURTH RING. PICK UP)

TR (BUSH, ON PHONE): Hello----

GK: Mr. President?

TR (BUSH, ON PHONE): Yep. George W. Bush, Speakin. How you all doin tonight?

GK: Calling from Nashville, Mr. President. Has the Rapture taken place yet?

TR (BUSH, ON PHONE): Well, according to the intelligence that's been provided to me, there is no sign of any rapture-related activity though of course we are keeping a close eye on prophecies as they are being fulfilled and as the signs of the Last Days accumulate and----

GK: Okay, thank you, Mr. President. Let's try Billy Graham, see if he's there. (DIAL BEEPS, RING) (PICK UP)

TR (BILLY GRAHAM, ON PHONE): A very blessed good evening to you---

GK: Reverend Graham, this is you, right?

TR (BILLY GRAHAM, ON PHONE): Yes. Praise the Lord.

GK: Good. Just checking.

TR (BILLY GRAHAM): We read in the book of Revelation, chapter 10, and verse 14-----

GK: Okay. Thank you very much. Just checking. Let's call the Vatican. (PHONE DIAL BEEPS, RING, PICKUP)

TR (ON PHONE): ITALIAN

GK: Your Holiness?

TR (ON PHONE): ITALIAN FOR "YES, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?"

GK: Has the Rapture taken place?

TR (ON PHONE): ITALIAN FOR "WHAT?"

GK: The Rapture.

TR (ON PHONE): ITALIAN IN RAP RHYTHM TO SFX BASS, PERC

GK: No, no----- not rap----- the Rapture!

TR (ON PHONE): ITALIAN FOR "SORRY, I DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER" (CLICK)

GK: Let me make another call. (DIAL BEEPS, PHONE RING, TWICE, THREE, FOUR. THEN CLICK. THEN---

SS (MIDWESTERN, RECORDING): Thank you for calling the Unitarian-Universalist Church in America. Nobody is here to take your call so please leave a message and we will return your call as soon as possible. If you're signing up for the committee on housing and urban ministry, press ----- (TRUMPET, DISTANT, OVER PHONE) Oh my gosh. All my clothes just fell off and I'm going up into the air------ (DIAL TONE)

GK: The Unitarians. Gone?

SS (GIRL): Oh, I see my folks---- there they are! Hi mom!

GK: Let me turn on the radio----

FN (RADIO ANNC): Meanwhile, in Boston, hundreds of men and women who were protesting the war in Iraq suddenly disappeared, according to eyewitnesses, leaving their clothing lying in the street, all of which was made from natural materials by native people and had political slogans written on it, as well as Native American jewelry ---- (RADIO DIAL)

GK: Let's see what Rush has to say……..

TR (RUSH): FRENCH

GK: Rush is speaking in tongues and the Unitarians have been raptured. Why? They don't want salvation, they want closure. If a Unitarian ascends to heaven and no one is around to see it, did it actually happen? Maybe we'll find out next time on-----

(CHORDS)

TR: RADIO MYSTERY THEATER. (FOOTSTEPS. DISTANT WOOFS. OWL)