A Prairie Home Companion with Garrison Keillor

Old Eye for the Young Guy
Saturday, September 4, 2004
Listen

GK: We're at the Minnesota State Fair, and talking to Earl Sorenson from Willmar who's been coming to the Fair how many years?

TR: Fifty-five years. Ever since I was seven.

GK: I see.

TR: Come down as a 4-Her and then I was working the Allis-Chalmers exhibit ---- couple years I entered chickens in the poultry show ----- and now this year, I opened my own booth over here by the Horticulture Building. It's called Old Eye for the Young Guy.

GK: Old Eye for the Young Guy

TR: Young fellows who want to know how to be like normal people ---- they come in and pay a buck and I give em a few tips.

GK: Like what?

TR: Like this kid here. Hey, kid. Come here. (TK PROTESTING, APPROACHES) Turn around. Face the audience. Wipe that smirk off your face.

GK: What's your name, son?

TK (TEEN): Jason Schmidt.

TR: First thing, turn the dang cap around so the bill faces front. (TK PROTEST) The bill of the cap is to shade your eyes from the sun. You don't need it to shade your neck. So turn the thing around. If you need more shade, try these tinted glasses. See how those work? Pretty nifty, huh? And now ---- about your pants ---- they're falling off. Pull up your pants so the waist is around your waist. You don't want to have to reach down to your knees to get change out of your pocket. What's the matter with you? Here. Put on these here suspenders. (BOINGS) That's better. Now your tighty whiteys aren't showing anymore. And here---- you got something caught in your eyebrow (SPRONG, TK YELL OF PAIN) ----- looks like a fishhook ----- Got one in your lip too. (SPRONG, TK WHIMPER) Now let's sandblast that tattoo. (SANDBLAST) There. Now you're cookin' with gas. Lookin nice and spiffy.

GK: Old Eye for the Young Guy, here at the Minnesota State Fair.