Saturday, September 25, 2004
It's the end of summer finally. An odd summer. We got six inches of snow in August (BLIZZARD) so the sweet corn was late, and there still is plenty of sweet corn — you can get a dozen ears for two bucks — but people are finally pretty much sick of it — people who used to eat an ear of sweet corn in ten seconds (DEVOURING) and eat six in a row (SUPER DEVOURING) are now eating them as hors d'oeuvres (SLOW MUNCHING) and even feeding them to their dogs. (DOG EATING CORN, PANTING, WOOF)
The trees got fooled by the August blizzard and they've begun turning, so the geezers are out driving around looking at the fall colors (MODEL T, GASPING AND COUGHING) which makes the roads hazardous. (SEMI RACING PAST, DOPPLER HORN) Wednesday was the first day of autumn and there are wild turkeys out (TURKEYS), and the geese are doing practice runs (GEESE OVERHEAD), trying to master the V-formation so they can fly south. (GOOSE LECTURE) The lead goose in the formation is drilling them. (GOOSE DRILL INSTRUCTOR) He has to slap em around a little. Or goose them. (GOOSE BEING GOOSED)
The weather is cooling off and that means that various creatures are trying to get into the house where it's warm. (FLAPPING) Like bats. They fly around and scare everybody and you, as the man, are supposed to get rid of them. So you swing the tennis racquet at them for awhile (SWISHING) and then they get tired from laughing and they hang upside down on the ceiling and you put on a first-basemen's glove (NERVOUS BREATHING) and you climb up a stepladder (HEART POUNDING) and you're scared to death and you reach out to grab the bat and...TK DRACULA: Don't touch me. (MAN FALLING, CRASH)
You don't want to mess with bats. Or amphibians. (SLIDING, SKITTERING) Like salamanders. And toads. (TOAD) Great big ugly toads who give you warts if you touch them. If you pick them up, they'll squirt stuff on you. (SQUIRT, TOAD) So you have to try to slide a piece of cardboard under them and carry them out and then they're liable to jump (BOING) and fall down the front of your shirt. (SCREAM)
It's fall and the crabapples are rotting on the ground and you walk into the house with one stuck to your shoe. (STEPS, SQUISHES) You might think people dread winter, but actually we're eager for it to start. Already they're getting the snowblowers tuned up (BLOWER) and waxing their skis (WAXING) and putting up storm windows (WINDOWS BEING INSTALLED) and they're putting up the boards for the hockey rink. (POUNDING, SAWING) Soon as the temperature drops, we'll be getting out the hose and flooding it. Can't wait to put on those skates and grab a stick and head down the ice (SKATING) and take the pass from center (SKATING) and fake out the defense (SKATING) and take a big slap shot (WHACK, FLIGHT OF PUCK) right over the goalie's shoulder. (BUZZER, ROAR OF CROWD)
Winter. It can't come soon enough.