St. Paul, City of Ambiguity
Saturday, October 2, 2004
GK: Shadows lengthen on the high bluff of the upper Mississippi, in a city known to few Americans—join us now as we explore...St. Paul, City of Ambiguity. (MISTERIOSO THEME)
(SFX. CAR STARTING)
SS: Do you know how to get there?
TR: Yes, I know how to get there. I've studied the map and I know exactly where I'm going. (CAR ACCEL, INTERIOR CAR AMBIENCE)
SS: I hope it's not like the last time we went over to St. Paul.
TR: Okay, okay—
SS: St. Paul is not like Minneapolis, honey.
TR: Look. Don't worry.
SS: Streets in St. Paul—there's no system. None.
TR: Elaine, please.
SS: That's why I gave you that onboard computer for your birthday.
SS: With the global positioning system. So we could go to St. Paul. Why don't you use it?
TR: For a trip over to St. Paul? I don't need a computer!
TR: I don't need it. I've lived in the Twin Cities all my life. I know St. Paul. (BEEPS) Oh for heaven's sake.
TK (ROBOT): Go north two blocks.
TR: I don't need it. We're only going to St. Paul.
TK (ROBOT): Go north two blocks.
TR: Turn it off.
TK (ROBOT): Do not turn off computer.
SS: Please. Remember the last time—
TR: Okay. Whatever. (BRIDGE, TIME PASSAGE) (CAR INTERIOR AMBIENCE, DRIVING)
TK (ROBOT): Turn right in one tenth of one mile on Eleanor Avenue.
SS: St. Paul is so strange. You go by Ford Parkway, then Pinehurst, then Highland, then Eleanor—In Minneapolis, you'd have Eleanor, Ford, Glenhurst, Highland, Iglehart, and so forth—
TK (ROBOT): Ford is not after Eleanor. Scheffer is after Eleanor and then Bayard and Hartford.
SS: I was only trying to make a point.
TK (ROBOT): Don't confuse the computer.
TR: Why is that red light blinking?
TK (ROBOT): You went past your turn. You must turn around and go back.
TR: I don't have to turn around— I'll just turn right here and go around the block.
TK (ROBOT): Make a U-turn and go back one block to Eleanor.
TK: I'll just turn here—
TK (ROBOT): Do not turn here.
SS: Why not do what the computer says?
TR: I know what I'm doing. (BRAKES, CAR HONKING BEHIND)
TK (ROBOT): I told you not to turn here.
TR: We'll just go to the end of the block and turn right—
SS: Why is it that you can't bear to take directions? Why?
TK (ROBOT) : She's right you know.
TR: I don't know what you're talking about…
TK (ROBOT): You hear but you don't listen.
SS: See what I mean? Even the computer knows.
TR: It doesn't know anything. It's a computer!
TK (ROBOT): An inboard computer.
TR: You know, if everyone would just shut up and let me drive, we'd be there in two minutes.
TK (ROBOT): Forty-two minutes.
SS: You are going the wrong way—you insist on pushing ahead—and you get angry at people who disagree with you. Maybe you ought to be President.
TK (ROBOT): Good point.
TR: Just stay out of this, would you? I know where I'm going.
TK (ROBOT): Okay, genius. I'm shutting myself down.
(BEEP. SEVERAL BEEPS) (VOICE SLOWING, FALLING) Good luck ...on finding...your way. Bye.
TR: See— I'm turning right and Eleanor is going to be right up here and—
SS: This isn't Eleanor. It's Arundel.
TR: Arundel! I thought Arundel was up around Avon and Grotto. What's going on?
SS: Why is this block so dark? There aren't any streetlights—(OMINOUS TWILIGHT-ZONE MUSIC) I knew we should have stayed in Minneapolis.
TR: Just calm down.
SS: In Minneapolis, you've got Aldrich, Bryant, Colfax, Dupont, Emerson, Fremont, Girard, Humboldt, Irving— you don't suddenly throw an Osceola in there just for the heck of it.
TR: We seem to be in a forest.
SS: It's so dark. (JUNGLE SOUNDS OUT THERE, BIRDS, APES, ETC) There are things moving out there.
TR: It's okay.
SS: It's not okay. Turn the computer on. Please.
SS: What's wrong?
TR: I don't know. (BEEPS) How do you turn this thing on
TK (ROBOT): I can't help you. I'm asleep.
TR: Please— help us— we're lost—
TK (ROBOT): Okay (BEEPS) As long as you put it that way.
SS: Where are we?
TK (ROBOT): You are in a time warp.
TK (ROBOT): It's 1987.
SS: What? What did the computer say?
TR (TEEN): It's the Eighties, Elaine.
SS (TEEN): The Eighties???? We have to go through the Eighties again?
TR (TEEN): If it's the Eighties, we're not married.
SS (TEEN): I knew this was a mistake.
TR (TEEN): You knew what was a mistake?
SS (TEEN): Coming to St. Paul. Now it's twenty years ago and we're going to have to go through all of that all over again.
TR (TEEN): Maybe we don't have to.
SS (TEEN): What do you mean?
TR (TEEN): I don't know.
SS (TEEN): You don't want to marry me?
TR (TEEN): Do I have to?
SS (TEEN): What does that mean?
TR (TEEN): I'm not sure.
SS (TEEN): Maybe we better stay in the car.
TR (TEEN): Why?
SS (TEEN): What if we go in the house and there's a lot of people and something happens and one of us meets someone else and —
TR (TEEN): You want to stay in the car?
SS (TEEN): I don't know. I don't know what I want or who I am. Why did we come?
GK: St. Paul, City of Ambiguity. Shadows fall and the lights dim as we walk the streets of St. Paul. Jefferson, Juliet, Palace, James, Juno, Kenneth, Cleveland, Finn, Vandalia. Cretin.
GK: Cretin. St. Paul, City of Ambiguity.