Duct Tape script
Saturday, October 9, 2004
GK: ...after this message from the American Duct Tape Council.
Life is fragile. Life can be very precarious. And that's why your mother tells you—
SS (MOM): You be careful now. And bring a jacket!
GK: But you're young, you're strong (TR TARZAN CRY), you feel immortal, so you climb in your sports car (ACCEL FAST, CORNER, FADE) and you drive to Devil's Lake and just beyond Devil's Lake is another little town...
TR: Hi. Welcome to Babylon.
TR: Babylon—I never heard of a town called Babylon.
TR: Let me show you around.
TR: Oh. Okay. (BRIDGE)
GK: And now you remember what your mother said.
SS (MOM, REVERB): You be careful now.
GK: But it's too late.
TR: MY CLOTHES! WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM? MY DRIVER'S LICENSE! (STING)
GK: You lose your driver's license and that's it. It's over. You think it's nothing (TK: Oh well, it'll turn up.) and go to town and (SIRENS) suddenly there are flashing blue lights and the FBI is there (TR ROD: You have the right to remain silent...) and you've got your hands on the top of the squad car and Eyewitness News is there.
TR: What are your feelings right now?
TR: You look shamefaced. Have you told your family?
TR: Where do you expect to do your prison time? Leavenworth or Danbury?
TR: What would be your advice to younger people?
TR (ROD): Driver's license.
TK: I don't have one. (KLAXON. SHOUTS. RUNNING TROOPS) (STING)
GK: Life is precarious. Don't lose your driver's license. I did and that's why I had to leave St. Paul and head for North Dakota. (WIND) Because North Dakota is so wide open that nobody bothers you. You can find a town (FOOTSTEPS) where the moment you walk in, you become the mayor and the sheriff. North Dakota—a good place to be when you don't have identification. (WIND) A place to be alone.
TR (CHENEY): You're not alone. (STING)
GK: Mr. Cheney!
TR (CHENEY): Scared you, didn't I?
GK: What are you doing out here?
TR (CHENEY): That's for me to know and you to find out.
GK: Well, it's an honor to meet you.
TR (CHENEY): How do you know it's me?
GK: By your mouth. Nobody else smiles just like that.
TR (CHENEY): You don't know for sure unless you check my driver's license. Let's see you do it.
GK: Why would I want to do that?
TR (CHENEY): It's your job.
GK: May I see your driver's license, Mr. Vice President?
TR (CHENEY): I could be an enemy who just happens to look like me.
GK: May I see your driver's license, sir?
TR (CHENEY): It's in an undisclosed location.
GK: Well, that's fine. I'll trust you.
TR (CHENEY): You're not tough enough to be sheriff. I'm taking away your badge. (RIP) There. Now I'm sheriff.
TR (CHENEY): Let's see your driver's license.
GK: I don't have a driver's license.
TR (CHENEY): You don't have a driver's license?
GK: I don't.
TR (CHENEY): Why no driver's license?
GK: I lost it.
TR (CHENEY): What's this map?
GK: It's directions to my brother-in-law's house.
TR (CHENEY): And these numerals?
GK: My bicycle lock combination.
TR (CHENEY): What's this Arabic writing?
GK: It's not Arabic. I just have really bad handwriting.
TR (CHENEY): And this picture of Osama bin Laden?
GK: It's a Smith Bros. cough drops box.
TR (CHENEY): You're in trouble.
GK: I know that.
TR (CHENEY): Serious trouble.
GK: And you could be too if you should—
TR (CHENEY): What do you mean, "I could be too—"
GK: You—I meant them, not you—You could be in serious trouble. If you lose your driver's license. So don't. Check to see it's still with you. It's not just a license to drive. It's proof that you're one of us and not one of them. So don't just leave the license in your billfold. Tape it to your body with duct tape. A message from the American Duct Tape Council. (DUCKS)