A Prairie Home Companion: October 9, 2004

English Majors script
Saturday, October 9, 2004
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...after a message from the Professional Organization of English Majors. (BIRDS, WHISTLING, FOOTSTEPS)

GK: As an English major, one is naturally in a good mood most of the time — a good knowledge of English is salubrious — you are transported by words, such as exultant and beatific and felicity — you amble or perambulate or trip lightly or gallivant and felicitous phrases tumble through your consciousness — "how sweet the moonlight sleeps upon this bank, here we will sit, and let the sounds of music creep in our ears."

TR: Hey— you—

GK: Yes?

TR: Can I help you?

GK: Help me what?

TR: Well, you're walking looking at stuff — can I help you find what you're looking for?

GK: Are you a sales clerk?

TR: Yeah?

GK: Since you are a sales clerk, then, the presumption is that you could help me — so you'd ask permission to help me — you'd say, "May I help you?"

TR: Oh.

GK: "Can" means "Do I have the ability to help you?" "May" means "do I have your permission?"

TR: Okay.

GK: When should one stick up for correct usage and when is it better to relax one's standards?

TR: What're you looking for?

GK: I'm looking for a wrench.

TR: Could I help you?

GK: You could. I'm looking for a wrench for a friend name Reneé; Reneé with an accent over the second E.

TR: You must be an English major.

GK: I am, actually.

TR: Ohhhhh. (ADORINGLY) I love English. It's such a rich, multilayered language. To devote one's life to it—how exultant. My name is Desireé. Also with an accent.

GK: I love accents. I'm starting to hear music creeping in my ears.

TR: You are so... articulate.

TR: Curses. Foiled again. By an English major.

GK: A message from the Professional Organization of English Majors.