A Prairie Home Companion: October 9, 2004

Laser script
Saturday, October 9, 2004
Listen

GK: October means harvest and getting the crops in when they're ready and timing can be so important. One more reason to look into Les Larson Laser Harvesters.

TR (GRUFF): This is Les Larson. Like a lot of you, I used to combine beans and corn the old way, driving back and forth on a bumpy field with my mouth full of dust for twelve hours at a time until the job was done. And then I developed my Les Larson Laser Harvester. We use high energy lasers (SFX ENERGY FORCE FIELD) that sit on a robot tractor (HUMMING) and cut every plant precisely with a solid beam of light (SFX LASER) and drop the beans into a vacuum scoop that delivers them directly through a vacuum hose to your truck or storage facility up to three-quarters of a mile away (WHOOSHING) while you monitor the operation on your computer screen (BEEPS) which can be mounted above your treadmill (SFX). You get an hour of good aerobic exercise while the robot-mounted laser is harvesting 200 acres of beans. It's a whole new way of farming. Just for fun, after my beans are in, I like to send the laser out to make some circular crop markings to get all the UFO folks excited. My neighbors are still out in the fields when LaVerne and I close up the house and hop a jet for Barbados. Where nobody would know I'm a farmer because my Laser Harvester also gives me a nice tan (SFX LASER).

GK: That's the Les Larson Laser Harvester And also ask about the Les Larson Laser Lactation Collector. (STARTLED COW) No need to get up early ever again. Let laser technology do the job for you.