All the Jokes
Saturday, November 6, 2004
Find more Pretty Good Jokes.
Did you hear about the chicken poet who won the Pulitzer prize?
Q: Why did the chicken cross the basketball court???
A: Because the ref was calling fowls.
A man went to church on Sunday and noticed that his friend John sitting ahead of him was wearing an earring. He was surprised, being Baptist, so after church he took John aside and said, "Why the earring?" "What's the big deal?" said John. "It's only an earring." "How long have you been wearing it?" "Ever since my wife found it in my car."
Jesus needed a new robe so he went to Finkelstein, the Tailor, who made him a beautiful robe. Perfect fit. Jesus asked how much He owed but Finkelstein said, "No, no, no, for the Son of God? There's no charge. But when you give a sermon, perhaps you could mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor." So Jesus did, and hundreds of people went to Finkelstein for their new robes, and so he offered Jesus a partnership. They thought of calling it Jesus & Finkelstein, but then they decided on Lord & Taylor.
A woman driving down the freeway in an SUV got so mad at the man in front of her who was driving the speed limit that she pulled up alongside him, honked her horn, screamed obscenities at him, gave him the finger, and waved a pistol. And then the blue lights behind her flashed and the police pulled her over and arrested her and took her to the station, fingerprinted her, and put her in a cell. After a couple hours, the policeman came and apologized. He said,
"I'm very sorry. You see when I saw you do that, I noticed the Bush-Cheney bumper sticker and the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker and the chrome-plated fish emblem, and I assumed you had stolen the car."
Three men went to their seats at the football game and there were a couple of nuns sitting ahead of them. The men wanted to drink beer and swear at the referees and not be scolded by nuns, so they decided to badger the nuns and get them to move. One guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 Catholics living there..." The second said, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 Catholics there..." The third guy said, "I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 Catholics living there..."
One of the nuns turned around and said, "Why don't you go to hell. There aren't any Catholics there."
Mother Teresa died and went to heaven. God met her and asked if she was hungry. Mother Teresa said, "I could eat," Mother Teresa said, so God opens a can of tuna and some rye bread and they share it. As she ate, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the people there eating huge steaks, lobsters, expensive wine, flaming desserts. Mother Teresa said, "I'm really glad to be in heaven, God, but why do we just eat tuna and rye bread while down in hell they're eating like kings?" God said, "Well, for just two people, why bother to cook? "
The drunk went into the Catholic church to do the Stations of the Cross but he did them backwards and the priest found him looking at the first one and crying. The man said, "I'm just so happy that he survived and he's getting his strength back."
A Jewish student was doing well in school in all subjects except for Math. So his parents decide to send him to a private Catholic school.
While there the boy came home from school and studied every day. At the end of the marking period the boy got straight A's. So his parents ask him, "What motivated you to do so well in school?"
He replied, "When I saw that guy nailed to a plus sign I knew they weren't fooling around!"
We know Jesus was Jewish because he went into his father's business, he lived at home until he was 33, and his mother thought he was God. On the other hand, he could've been Irish because he never got married, he never held a steady job, and his last request was for something to drink. On the other hand, he had a Puerto Rican name.
You should always invite two Baptists to watch hockey with you, because if you invite one, he'll drink all your beer.
Q: How many Charismatics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Whoever's closest— their hands are always up in the air anyway.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
Q: How many Microsoft Helpline technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Q: How many sado-masochists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold it and one to kick the chair out from under him.
Q: How many firemen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One to change it and three to cut a hole in the ceiling.
Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five. One to go across the border to buy the bulb at the factory outlet and sneak it back, one to complain that women were underrepresented in the process, one to screw it in, one to translate everything into French, and one to drop the puck.
Q: How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Who wants to know?
Q: How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb and one to hold the penis— I mean, the ladder.
Q: How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One to change it and nine to form a Survivors of Darkness support group.
Q: How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: A tree in a golden forest.
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.
Q: How many gay rights activists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None: The bulb shouldn't have to change for society to accept it.
Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in and two to write a song about it.
Q: How many kids with ADHD does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Let's go ride our bikes!
Q: How many boring people does it take to change a light bulb?
Ole and Lena were at the drive-in movie. Ole says, "Say Lena, you wanna get in the back seat?" Lena says, "Naw, Ole, I'd just as soon stay up here with you."
Ole and Lena walked into a fancy grocery store. "Will you look at that Ole - they got these green fuzzy potatoes." "Those aren't potatoes, you dumb Norwegian. Those are kiwis - what they use to make the shoe polish."
Q: What kind of Mr. Coffee do you find in a Kosher kitchen?
A: A Hebrew!
Q: How do you fix a broken pumpkin?
A: With a pumpkin patch.
Obituary— The world champion crossword puzzler died today. In a quiet ceremony he was buried 6 down and 3 across.
Q: Did you hear about the married Amish woman who also had a lover?
A: She liked two Mennonite.
Q: Why don't Italians like Jehovah's Witnesses?
A: We don't like ANY witnesses.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD JOKES:
I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the West!
My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.
I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."
My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the deer how to do it.
Q: What do you call a schizophrenic Zen Buddhist?
A: A person who is at two with the universe.
Going into church one day, a man looking for a place to sit asked a born-again Christian: "Is the seat next to you saved?" To which he replied, "No, but I'm praying for it."
Q: Why don't Junior Leaguers go to orgies?
A: Too many thank you notes.
Q: How do you make a cat sound like a dog?
A: You pour gasoline on it and light it with a match and it goes - "WHOOOF!"
Q: How do you make a dog sound like a cat?
A: Put in the deep freeze for a week, then cut it in half with a circular saw - it goes, "MMEEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW!"
A man and his wife were celebrating their sixtieth birthdays and their thirty-fifth wedding anniversary and he opened her gift to him, a green vase, and rubbed it and a genie jumped up and granted him a wish. The man whispered, "I'd like to have a woman twenty years younger than I." So the genie made him eighty.
Q: What's the difference between the Vietnam War and the Iraq War?
A: George W. Bush had a plan to get out of the Vietnam War.
After the Swift Boat Veterans who served with Kerry in Vietnam claimed that Kerry lied about his heroism, the Democrats wanted to make a similar ad attacking Bush, but they couldn't find anyone who served with him.
Q: How many Bush administration officials does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. There is no need to change anything. We made the right decision to stick with that light bulb. People who say that it is burned out are giving aid and encouragement to the Forces of Darkness.
The reporter asked Colin Powell, "What proof do you have that Iraq has weapons of mass destruction?"
He replied, "We kept the receipts."
It appears Bush has a new plan for solving the Social Security crisis: Influenza.
George W. Bush died and went to the Pearly Gates and met St. Peter who said, "Welcome to the After Life and would you like to go to heaven or to hell?" So Mr. Bush took a look at hell and there was a beautiful country club with an 18-hole golf course and a fine residential neighborhood with lovely lawns and a shopping mall, and then he looked around heaven and found a lot of serious people talking about ethics and mathematics and history and playing their harps and praising God. "Well," he said, "I never thought I'd say this, but frankly, I'd rather go to hell." So he went and there were people chained to red-hot rocks and screaming. "What happened to the golf course?" said Mr. Bush. "Oh, that was just campaigning," the Devil said. "Now you've voted for us."
There's a Republican dating service, but it's not working that great.
Neither date wants to pay.
Q: What do you call someone in the White House who is honest, caring, and well-read?
A: A tourist.
Q: How many angels can fit in a Honda?
A: All of them. For it is written: "All of my angels shall sing my praises in one ACCORD."
Q: What do you call ultra-orthodox jewish farmers?
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
A sign at the Unitarian Church said: Bible study at 7:00 - bring your bible and a pair of scissors.
Q: Did you hear about the self help group for people who never stop talking?
A manic-depressive goes away on vacation and sends a postcard back to his psychiatrist:
"Having a wonderful time…wish I were dead."
Q: What's grey?
A: A melted penguin.
A man goes to the doctor. The man has a strawberry growing out of his head. The doctor says, "Let me give you some cream to put on that."
A man goes to the doctor. The doctor says, "I haven't seen you for a long time."
"I know," says the man, "I've been ill."
Q: What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?
Q: What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
A: New Age music.
A couple attended a Japanese Noh play. Afterward the wife said, "I didn't get it." And the husband said, "What part of Noh don't you understand?"
Q: What do you call two guys on your wall with no arms and no legs?
A: Kurt and Rod.
A school teacher was arrested at the airport for trying to go through security with a slide rule, and a calculator. He was believed to be a member of the terrorist group, Al-gebra, and was charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
A woman was in bed with her husband's best friend when the phone rang. After hanging up, she turned to her lover and said: "That was Jim, but don't worry, he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you."
A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI. "Well," says the personnel director, "You'll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute."
Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute.
"Also," says the director, "You must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course."
This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time.
"There's one last requirement," the director continues; "you must be bilingual."
With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"
A doctor liked to drink hazelnut daiquiris: The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "It's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."
A termite jumps up on the bar and asks, "Where is the bar tender?"
The two rules for succeeding in business are: 1) Never tell them everything you know.