A Prairie Home Companion: December 4, 2004

Movie script
Saturday, December 4, 2004
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Garrison Keillor: Coming to a theater near you this holiday season — (JINGLING BELLS) it's "I Saw Mommy Go Upstairs With Santa Claus," the wild wacky comedy that'll keep the whole family in stitches — it all starts when Santa lands on the roof (JINGLING, HOOVES, Tim Russell: Whoa Dasher, Whoa Dancer, Whoa Comet and Blixen) and he gets stuck in the chimney (TR: Ho Ho Ho Ho SQUEAKING BALLOON SFX TR: Oh my gosh. Ouch.) and some geese fly over (GEESE HONKS PASSING) and a dog barks (WOOFING) and a space ship lands (SPACE LASER HUM) and a space alien walks out (Sue Scott: ELECTRONIC: Oh my. Santa.) and Santa's pants fall off (TR: O Nooooo) and fall down the chimney and catch on fire and the smoke drives the family out of the house (PEOPLE COUGHING, MUTTERING) and the fire truck comes (SIREN) and it runs into a car (CRASH) driven by chimpanzees (CHIMPS, RUNNING) — it's just one thing after another— an exploding turkey (TURKEY GOBBLE, EXPLOSION) and dad hanging Christmas lights (TR FALLING, CRASH) and the dog being bitten by the UPS man (TR MUTTERING, CHOMP, DOG YELPS) and a fat lady falling on the ice (SS PROPER LADY: Oh hello FALLING, CRUNCH) and a rotten little kid (CRASH OF GLASS, MEAN KID LAUGH) and a rude department store clerk (SS: And here's what I think of you. BWANGGGGGG) and the guinea pig eating the presents (SQUEAK, WRAPPING PAPER) and the food fight to end all food fights (SERIES OF PLOPS AND SPLATS) — it's the ho-ho-wholesome Christmas laff riot for the whole family — "I Saw Mommy and Santa Claus Going Upstairs Together" — coming soon to a theater near you. Rated PG for partial reindeer nudity.