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Sound Effects script
Saturday, December 11, 2004
Listen
Garrison Keillor: Winter. A silent time in the north. The tundra frozen. People in their homes, reading good books. (TURN OF PAGE) (SLIGHT THROAT CLEAR) A silent beautiful time. Snow on the ground. The bare branches of trees glittering with ice. The occasional snowmobile. (SNOWMOBILE ZOOMS PAST). But that's the exception that proves the rule. It's a quiet time. (DRIPPING SEQ). Unless we get a thaw, of course. But that's temporary. It freezes right up again. And then it's silent again. Especially here in St. Paul. St. Paul is a civilized city of about a quarter-million and if you like urban amenities but you also appreciate quiet that's about the right size of city to live in. Los Angeles is where they have helicopters coming in low (CHOPPERS) every night, with powerful spotlights (P.A. MESSAGE) and where the police use attack bees (SWARM OF BEES) and armed chimpanzees (CHIMP) patrol the neighborhoods.
All we have in St. Paul is a few old fruit bats (BATS) who are hanging in your clothes closet, but they're drowsy (BAT SNORES) because its winter — they're not going anywhere. Sometimes a baby gets the hiccups (SFX) or a cat gags (SFX) — otherwise people just sit and read good books (PAGE TURN, THROAT CLEAR) and sometimes retrieve their e-mail (BEEP. YOU'VE GOT MAIL) and maybe download a picture they were sent and print it out (PRINTER SEQUENCE) but that's the extent of it. Maybe over on University Avenue you'll find a few young men with their crotch around their knees walking around listening to music loud as jackhammers (RAP ON BOOMBOX) (DOG BARKS AT IT), but not in the winter — in the winter, you might get a few cars cruising along whose enormous bass speakers (BASS THROB) make the sides of the car expand and contract like membranes — (SFX) — but those are young men on their way to Minneapolis, and soon they're gone.
All we have in St. Paul is the occasional espresso machine (SFX) and sometimes a trained caribou operating it (CARIBOU MAKING COFFEE) and sometimes he makes a frozen drink with a blender (BLENDER, THOUGHTFUL CARIBOU) and here and there in the outer suburbs you'll find a beaver or two (CHATTERING) who's figured out how to use a chainsaw (STARTING CHAINSAW, BEAVER EXCITEMENT) and of course there is still lumbering out in the St. Croix Valley but that's fifteen miles from here (BIG TREE STARTING TO FALL, EXCITEMENT OF LOGGER, IT CRASHES THROUGH OTHER TREES, HITS GROUND, BIRD CRIES FADING INTO DISTANCE) and then we get the big logging trucks (TRUCK GOING THROUGH GEARS, ACCELERATION) coming through town with a load of redwoods for the picnic tables and decks of Minneapolis, but that's only a few days out of the year. Otherwise St. Paul is mostly still. People reading good books (PAGE TURN, THROAT CLEAR) and sipping herbal tea (DECOROUS SIPS) and petting the cat (PURR). A quiet and very civilized place to live. And ever so often the peacock at the zoo gets upset. (PEACOCK SHRIEK) But otherwise silent.
The westbound train comes through about ten or ten-thirty in the evening (TRAIN ZOOMING PAST, DOPPLER WHISTLE) and the eastbound come about eight or nine in the morning (TRAIN ZOOMING PAST, OTHER DIRECTION) and that's the big excitement. South Minneapolis gets the low-flying jet aircraft (JET APPROACH) — we don't get any jet aircraft noise in St. Paul because it's the state capital and the governor lives here — (TR JESSE: Do not fly over my house. What part of "do not" do you not understand?) — so it's a very quiet town. There is no rock and roll in St. Paul. (GUITAR) Rock and roll bands Things that are legal in other parts of Minnesota — there are special laws that prohibit them here in the capital. Such as bears driving Hummers (BEAR AT WHEEL OF HUMMER, BEAR GRUNTS AND HUMS) which you'll find up in St. Louis and Pine counties or people playing the tuba in the shower (TUBA TOOTS, WATER) which is common in Stearns County and dogsled teams (BARKING APPROACHES), teams of Pekinese pulling tiny sleds carrying a Chihuahua which is a competitive sport in Wayzata and Minnetonka — practically unknown in St. Paul. Laser swords (LASER SWORD DUEL) are unknown in St. Paul. Ever so often a kid tosses a cherry bomb into a toilet (SFX), ever so often one of them runs his fingernails down the chalkboard (SFX), but this is a quiet town, St. Paul. People drinking herbal tea (SIPS) and petting cats (PURR) and reading good books (PAGE TURN, CLEAR THROAT). Of course if the book is Tolstoy's War and Peace, there's a lot going on in the book (HORSES, SHOUTS IN RUSSIAN, CANNONFIRE, TUMULT, EXPLOSIONS, HORSES, SHOUTING, GUNS FIRING), but that's a whole other story.
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