A Prairie Home Companion: December 25, 2004

Duct Tape script
Saturday, December 25, 2004
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...brought to you by the American Duct Tape Council.

TR: Oh. Thank you. A polo shirt. Burgundy. Extra large?

SS: You can exchange it if you don't like the color...

TR: No. It's fine. (REVERB) Burgundy. Only guys I know who wear burgundy shirts are in their sixties and smoke cigarillos and drive Buick LeSabres. What is she trying to tell me?

GK: And so the burgundy polo shirt goes into a drawer, along with the fondue set and James Joyce's Ulysses. They stay in the drawer for thirteen years and then they're thrown in a shopping bag and picked up by the Salvation Army.

TR (MINNESOTA): What you got there, Marge?

SS (MINNESOTA): Ulysses by James Joyce and a coonskin bikini.

GK: That's the bikini that he gave her thirteen years ago, right after she gave him the burgundy polo shirt.

SS: Oh. Thank you. A bikini. Made of fur.

TR: It's coonskin. I saw it in the window at Victoria's Secret. If you don't like it, you can exchange it. I won't be offended.

SS: No. It's—interesting. (REVERB) That's one secret Victoria should have kept.

GK: So the bikini goes to the Salvation Army along with the Bach Brandenburg Concertos.

SS (TEEN): Oh. Wow. Like, Bach. Cool.

TR: If you don't like it, you can exchange it, honey.

SS (TEEN): No. It's like cool. Bach. (REVERB) Am I that nerdy? Am I like the nerdiest person in, like, the entire country or something?

GK: Off to the Salvation Army it goes. A big waste of money. Wouldn't it have been better to give your loved ones something they'd actually use? Like duct tape? You can't transform somebody's life with a Christmas gift. Give something useful: underwear. A book of stamps. Packages of dried lentils. And duct tape. A message from the American Duct Tape Council. (DUCKS) Duct tape—it's almost the only thing you need sometimes.