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Ketchup script
Saturday, January 1, 2005
Listen
Garrison Keillor: ...after a word from the catchup Advisory Board. (MUSIC)
Tim Russell: These are the good years for Barb and me. We installed a Bible
detector at the front door and now when the doorbell rings and the red
light flashes, we know we have to sit very quietly and wait for them to
go away. We started out to write a Christmas letter this year — and
the part about What Are The Kids Up To Now — that's the tough part
— so we decided not to write one, and that was a huge load off our
backs. We sent out a card that said, "Joyous Noel and the rest of it is
none of your business." We went to the office Christmas party and my
boss made a pass at Barb and spilled his drink on her and he was so
embarrassed he promoted me to assistant manager of operations. And we
got to skip the party and go home. And with the salary increase, I
bought a Hummer. And then the other morning when it snowed a few
inches, Barb said—
Sue Scott: Mind if I take the Hummer? I've got some shopping to do.
TR: I got your Honda Accord all fixed up for you. Blankets in the
trunk. Sand. Flares. Filled it up with gas. She's all set to go. And
the Honda has front-wheel drive.
SS: I want four wheel drive and six tons of metal around me.
TR: Of course but the Hummer is so heavy, if you get stuck you can't
push it yourself. If you get the Accord stuck you can open the door and
push with one foot to get some momentum going….
SS: I have a cell phone. I'll call.
TR: Right, but what I'm saying is: if you get stuck in the Accord, then I could come in the Hummer and tow you out.
SS: But if I drive the Hummer, then I won't get stuck and you won't have to come.
TR: You're not a winter driver, Barb. So it makes sense for you to drive a car that's easier to get out of a snowbank.
SS: I'm a better driver if I'm in a bigger car.
TR: (SIGHS) Okay, but it's tough to park that Hummer in the garage and
leave room for me to get the snowblower out. Otherwise, I have to back
the Hummer into the driveway so I can get at the snowblower and the
Hummer packs the snow down so it never gets cleared and then it melts
and freezes again and I walk out there one morning and slip and break
my ankle and spend the winter on crutches and throw out my back and
before you know it I'll be back hitting the sauce again. .
SS: I'll be careful.
TR: I know you'll be careful but it's easy to open the door and hit the
BBQ grille and then the paint gets chipped and then road salt gets into
the paint and the door gets rusty and our resale value goes down.
SS: Jim, I'm going to take the Hummer.
TR: Okay, but if you skid off the road and into the median and flip
over and your cellphone is thrown from the vehicle and you have to sit
there and wait and it's dark and then somebody pulls over and it's some
scary guy in a down vest who smells of Southern Comfort and he's got
headphones on and you can hear Led Zeppelin, don't come blaming me.
SS: Jim?
TR: Yes?
SS: I don't think you're getting enough catchup. catchup contains
natural mellowing agents that help you take your mind off the darker
side of things. Let me make you some beans. With catchup.
Rich Dworsky (SINGS): These are the good years, out here in the sticks.
Winter is coming, the weatherman predicts.
Life is flowing like catchup on trail mix
GK: catchup. For the good times.
RD (SINGS): Catchup … catchup.
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