Guy Noir script
Saturday, January 1, 2005
(GUY NOIR THEME)
Tim Russell: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets,
but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to
find the answers to life's persistent questions Guy Noir, Private
(THEME UP AND OUT)
Garrison Keillor: It was a cold winter's night and I was alone in my office,
origami birds out of my unpaid bills, and feeling sort of blue. New Year's
Eve was just around the corner, and once again, I didn't have a date.
It looked like I'd be ringing in the new year with the same old friends:
Jose Cuervo, Ben & Jerry, and Sara Lee. So I headed over
to the Five Spot to commiserate with Jimmy the bartender.
(MUSIC BRIDGE) (DOOR OPEN, JINGLES, CLOSES)
TR (JIMMY): So how was your Christmas, Guy?
GK: You ever sit in a middle seat in row 34 on a plane that's
parked on the runway for three hours waiting to take off for Beirut?
TR (JIMMY): No, never have.
GK: Well, that's what it was like.
TR (JIMMY): You go to your sister Georgina's?
TR (JIMMY): How are her kids?
GK: You ever spend three hours being attacked by cocker spaniels?
TR (JIMMY): Can't say as I have.
GK: Georgina brought her kids up to feel free to express themselves.
A bad move. And then you got my brother-in-law Al. The joker. He knows
three or four of them. And they bring him so much pleasure. And he leans
in close when he tells you the one dirty one he knows, and the guy has
breath that would knock a buzzard off a carcass. I swear, it smells like
Al has been eating out of landfills. So it was torture. Torture by Christmas.
Where'd you go for Christmas?
TR (JIMMY): Gabrielle's.
TR (JIMMY): My girlfriend.
GK: Your girlfriend! When did this happen?
TR (JIMMY): August. I went to the World Tango Tournament in Helsinki.
TR (JIMMY): Me.
GK: Jimmy, you're a guy who has a hard time whistling and stirring
at the same time.
TR (JIMMY): I know. Somehow I developed this knack for the tango.
Went to Helsinki in August and met Gabrielle and she's from Chicago and
we hit it off and now we're talking about tying the knot.
GK: I'm flabbergasted.
TR (JIMMY): Yeah, she's quite a woman.
GK: I always assumed you were in the same boat I am.
TR (JIMMY): Yeah, I know you did.
GK: I haven't had a date for so long I forget what you do.
TR (JIMMY): If you want to know, ask me. (PHONE RING, PICK UP)
TR (JIMMY): Five Spot. Jimmy speakin'. Oh, sure, Rico. He's
right here. (TO GUY) For you.
GK: Yeah. Noir here.
TR (RICO, ON PHONE): Hey Noir how you come you never found
me a Christmas gift for my girlfriend Angela, huh? You were supposed to
follow her around and see what she was looking at in shop windows and
GK: I followed your girlfriend for two weeks, Rico.
TR (RICO): And?
GK: Only shop windows she looked in were baby stores.
TR (RICO): What you talking about?
GK: She kept looking at cribs and little blankets
TR (RICO): You lying to me, ya meatball?
GK: Angela seems very interested in baby carriers and little booties.
TR (RICO): I'll come over there and kick your bootie
GK: I'm only the messenger, Rico. Just the angel bringing good
tidings. (HANG UP) Rico's a little miffed. Hope he doesn't come looking
for me. (DOOR OPEN, JINGLES, CLOSE. FOOTSTEPS.)
TR (JIMMY): Hey, Doris. How you doin?
Sue Scott (DEEP): Not bad, Jimmy. I finally sold my house and now I'm
heading south. Naples, Florida.
TR (JIMMY): Is that right?
SS (DEEP): I don't know if it's right but I'm doin' it anyway.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I'm going where there's no frost except in the fridge.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
TR (JIMMY): Nice cocktail dress, Doris. Christmas gift?
SS (DEEP): Nope. Bought it for myself. Hi, good-looking.
GK: Hi, Doris.
SS (DEEP): What you up to for the rest of my life, huh? Whaddaya
say? Florida, baby. You wanna live the high life with an experienced woman?
GK: I hadn't given it much thought, Doris.
SS (DEEP): Think about it. Got a bottle of Kahlua and a full tank
of gas and cash up the wazoo and moi. What I lack in physical charm,
I make up for in knowhow. (SHE DOES A LITTLE LATIN MOVE)
Bring me one of those Papa Ooh Mow Mows, Jimmy. With papaya juice. Care
for one, Guy?
GK: No thanks.
SS (DEEP): Might pep you up. You're looking kinda droopy.
TR (JIMMY): One Papa Ooh Mow Mow coming up. (MUSIC)
GK: Doris cooked for years at Al's Breakfast Towers. Fixed me
so many orders of scrambled eggs with sausage, she started to think we
were married. And just then
(DOOR OPEN, JINGLE, CLOSE, FOOTSTEPS)
SS: Hi, sweetheart.
TR (JIMMY): Hi, Angel. (SEXY SAX) Like you to meet Gabrielle,
SS: Hi. Jimmy's told me so much about you.
GK: She was blonde and her skin was like melted caramel and her
jeans were so tight, I could read the dates on the quarters in her pocket.
To think that she knew my name was more thrilling than I can tell you.
She looked like someone whose job it is to stand on stage while you come
running up out of the audience and give you the Oscar.
SS: Is something wrong, Mr. Noir?
(SFX. HEARTBEAT, MUSIC UNDER.....)
GK: She was a woman I'd have no idea how to say no to. Nuclear
secrets, directions to Wauwautosa anything in my power to give.
She made me feel privileged just to be breathing air she had recently
exhaled. No, nothing's wrong, Gabrielle. I think I may be hallucinating,
but I'm sure it'll pass.
SS: Jimmy says you know everything about nightlife in this town,
Mr. Noir, and how to have a good time.
GK: Well, I used to.
SS: I want to take Jimmy out dancing tonight. I thought you might
have some ideas.
GK: My first idea was to kill Jimmy with a clothes hangar and take
Danielle to the airport and slap my Visa card on the counter and go as
far as it'd take us. Well, that's nice you got yourself a boyfriend
to go out dancing with, kid.
SS (DEEP): Don't have a boyfriend, that's why I'm in here. You
got a girlfriend?
GK: Not talking to you, Doris. Talking to this young lady here
SS (DEEP): She your daughter, Guy?
SS (DEEP): Granddaughter
GK: Mind your own business, Doris. So you met Jimmy at a tango
tournament, huh, Gabrielle?
SS: In Helsinki. He danced me around the floor until one of my
slippers came off
SS: No. Just an ordinary slipper. And he found it and put it back
on my foot. And the sight of him kneeling in front of me I found it
very exciting, Mr. Noir.
GK: Uh huh. How would you feel, Gabrielle, if, say, a guy lay
face down in front of you and put his face in the dirt and wept?
SS (DEEP): Let me see it, I'll tell you how I feel.
TR (JIMMY): Here's your Papa Ooh Mow Mow, Doris. (FOOTSTEPS) How
about you, Guy? Last call. I'm closing up early. Gabrielle and I have
GK: A martini with a soybean in it, Jimmy.
SS (DEEP): She sure is a looker, isn't she.
SS (DEEP): In dim light, with a couple of stiff drinks, you might
be able to confuse me with her.
GK: I don't think so, Doris.
SS (DEEP): Got my Mustang out front and it's pointed south. I may
look a little shopworn but there's plenty of va-va-voom in the old girl
GK: I'm too old for romance, Doris.
SS (DEEP): As long as you can still fog up a mirror, you're never
GK: My heart has been broken so many times, it jingles when I walk.
SS (DEEP): Hey, it's New Year's. You just pick out a star that
looks good to you, and you follow it. What do you say?
GK: Here's to you, Doris. Happy trails. And Happy New Year to
SS: Happy New Year, Mr. Noir.
TR (JIMMY): What about me?
GK: Never mind about you.
TR: A dark night in the city that keeps its secrets, where one
guy is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions
Guy Noir, Private Eye.