A Prairie Home Companion: January 8, 2005

Toilet script
Saturday, January 8, 2005
Listen

Garrison Keillor: Have you ever gone to someone's house for dinner — say, your boss, for example—

Tim Russell (RICH GUY): Larry— help yourself to the foie gras and do have another helping of pheasant.

GK: You're nervous and you excuse yourself (FOOTSTEPS) to go to the toilet—

TR (RICH GUY): Straight through the solarium and just on the other side of the library.

GK: And the toilet of course is like an echo chamber— so when you unzip — (ZIPPER WITH LOTS OF ECHOES) — and you're as quiet as you know how to be, and then when you attempt to flush (FLUSH, GURGLING), the water doesn't go down, it starts to rise, and (OMINOUS CHORD) and in just a moment the unthinkable is going to happen. (STING) Time for Depth Charge. The pocket explosive that clears up clogged toilets fast. Just drop it in and (MUFFLED EXPLOSION) you've got drainage. (POWER FLUSH).That's Depth Charge. Because there are times in life when you absolutely positively have to flush right now. (ORGAN PLAYING WEDDING MARCH) (KNOCKS ON DOOR)

Sue Scott (ON OTHER SIDE): Jim? Are you all right?

FN: Be there in a minute!

SS (ON OTHER SIDE): The organ is playing!

FN: You're telling me!!! (FLUSH, GURGLING) Oh my gosh. (MUFFLED EXPLOSION)

SS (ON OTHER SIDE): Was that a gunshot?

FN: I'll explain later.

GK: Depth Charge. When you need it to go down. (FLUSH) Available in lemon/lime or strawberry/banana. (CHORD)