English Majors script
Saturday, January 15, 2005
...after a word from the Partnership Of English Majors.
Sue Scott: If you're an English major, you have many advantages in this world and you ought to use them. The ability to express yourself readily, gracefully, sensitively, for example. An enormous advantage. When you go online in hopes of meeting your soulmate, for example. Sure, in the real world you're not much to look at, but online you're beautiful.
Garrison Keillor: (TYPING) As I sit here ensconced at my laptop and think of you, my precious one, adrift out there in this tedious drab uncaring world, I hope you hear the earnest palpitations of my voluminous heart.
SS: English majors have all the qualities women look for - intelligence, curiosity, a sense of adventure, and excellent punctuation.
GK: (TYPING) Would you deign to join me for a glass of wine, semicolon, if not, comma, perhaps, dash weather permitting dash, share an evening perambulation through the frost hyphen covered meadows, ellipsis.
SS: The man of my dreams! He knows how to use an ellipsis! I met a chemical engineer online yesterday and — there was nothing.
Tim Russell: (TYPING) Hey, wassup? wanna meet? IM me. Yo.
SS: I corresponded with a lawyer—
Tom Keith: Results may vary depending on attitude. Not responsible for disappointment. Prolonged exposure may produce severe irritation.
SS: I corresponded with a doctor—
TR: Meet you at noon—please arrive fifteen minutes early so you can complete the necessary paperwork.
SS: But my English major friend — Winthrop — what a peach. The use of ellipsis.....Words like "peripatetic" and "euphonious" — and nothing makes a girl's heart go pitter-pat quite like parallel sentence structure--
GK: (TYPING) I enjoy gazing up at the heavens, writing limpid prose and looking forward to the day when you and I sit in the dark and watch "A Room with a View" at that little movie house that sells the espresso and organic scones. The thought of that rendezvous — c'est la journee, mon cher.
SS: "Rendezvous! Journeé!" — what a guy. I came on the information superhighway... and I found the road to love. With an English major.
GK: A message from the Partnership of English Majors.