A Prairie Home Companion: January 29, 2005

Hell script
Saturday, January 29, 2005
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(THROBBING BASS)

Tim Russell: Coming soon to a theater near you....SNOWBALLS FROM HELL. (TK OFF CRY OF HORROR) Terrorists using high-compression technology made snowballs of a density never seen before —a supernova of snow. (SS SCIENTIST: These aren't just snowballs, professor. These are — anti-matter. STING) Snowballs so powerful — when they were launched (WHOOSH) they could destroy human life —

Tom Keith: Where's Rick?

Sue Scott: He was standing right there.

TK: He's gone.

SS: Just his parka and his stocking cap left—

TK: And those particles of — red-hot snow— (STING)

SS: Don't touch it—

TK: (SCREAMS)

TR: SNOWBALLS FROM HELL. They could bring down airplanes (PLANE IN STEEP DIVE), they could blow up infrastructure (EXPLOSION). And they changed the course of history.

SS: Mr. President—

TR (BUSH): We've discovered the W.M.D.'s, Condi.

SS: Thank goodness.

TR (BUSH): Except in this case, it stands for Whopping Mega Deathballs. (STING)

SS: In Iraq?

TR (BUSH): No. In Minnesota.

SS: Canadians—

TR (BUSH): Exactly. We're under attack from the north.

SS: What can we do?

TR (BUSH): People who hate freedom love snow. We're going to fight them with global warming.

SS: You mean—

TR (BUSH): Take off all controls on carbon emissions. Tell the coal-burning power plants to remove the filters. Fill the atmosphere with black smoke. Darken the skies.

SS: There's going to be criticism.

TR (BUSH): From whom?

SS: Good point.

TR (BUSH): We can't wait for spring. We're going to melt that snow before the smoking gun becomes a mushroom cloud.

SS: Right away, sir.

(THROBBING BASS)

TR: They wanted to bring America down but one man stood between them and success —(BUSH) Bring it on — (ANNC) a man who wasn't frightened by anything — not even SNOWBALLS FROM HELL (BUTTON)