A Prairie Home Companion: February 5, 2005

Amish script
Saturday, February 5, 2005
Listen

Garrison Keillor: ...When they're small they're so lovable and easily managed and they wear what you tell them to and they kiss you goodnight and then.....

Sue Scott (TEEN): I'm ten years old, Mother. I know what I want to get out of life.

SS (MOM): You've pierced your ears, you're wearing a tube top and hot pants to school, you go to school looking like a cheap slut, and you stay out until two a.m. every morning and come home reeking of tobacco smoke.

SS (TEEN): Shows you how much you know. I haven't been to school in weeks.

SS (MOM): Your room is a swamp, your music is driving us nuts, you dress like a homeless person—

SS (TEEN): So what exactly are you going to do about it, huh? (STING)

GK: If your little girl is growing up too fast, why not consider foster placement in an Amish home in southern Minnesota where she'll be protected from bad influences?

(SLOW HORSE CLOPS, CREAK OF BUGGY)

Tim Russell: Yeah, it didn't take long for little Tiffany to fit in the Kochendorfer family. First, we gave her a nice brown woollen dress and a bonnet and then we changed her name to Modesty and then we taught her how to churn butter. Churning butter gives a youngster a chance to express hostility in a useful way. We Amish have been raising kids the same way for hundreds of years, and doggone it, it works. (CLUCKS TO HORSE) Horses and kids — train em in right and they won't give you another problem as long as you live.

GK: Foster placement with an Amish family — discuss it with your teenage daughter. Send for our brochure, "A Foreign Exchange Experience In the 18th Century".