Rhubarb script
Saturday, February 12, 2005
Listen

...after a word from Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.

Garrison Keillor: You've just been hired by the Minneapolis Institute of Arts as a driver and today you're bringing the Renoir over to the art restorer for cleaning.

Tom Keith (FRENCH): The greens, the yellows, the oranges — they look dull, murky — the sparkle is gone from the Isle de la Grande Jatte— take it over to Rudolpho—

GK: So you put the painting in the back seat, and it's a gorgeous January day, unnaturally warm, in the 40s - and in your joyfulness (TR TENOR), you unzip your parka (SFX) and throw it off the Lake Street bridge into the river (FLUTTER OF FALLING JACKET, TR WHOOPEE), and then you remember—

Tim Russell: My billfold! (STING)

GK: You think of diving in after it, but you've made a lunch date. So you pull in to the restaurant and cover the Renoir with a blanket — it's a Venezuelan restaurant. (TK CRIES, LATIN MUSIC) You're meeting HotNSpicy, the woman you met last night in the chat room.

Sue Scott: Hi. — You're really 35? And you work out three times a week????

GK: You order the Casa Grande Carne Verde Flaming Cheese special and then you remember — the lost parka — the billfold—

TR: I know this may strike you as odd, but— could I borrow, like, fifty bucks?

GK: And just then the waiter arrives with your lunch. It's two pounds of cheese on a hubcap (TK LATIN CRIES) and he lights it with a torch (EXPLOSION OF FLAME) and suddenly your toupee is on fire— (TR CRY OF PAIN) and it's glued on so it won't come off (TR CRY OF PAIN) so you stick your head in the margarita pitcher (SIZZLE) and the toupee comes off and floats to the top alongside the lime wedges.

SS: You're bald???

TR: Only on my head. I've got lots of hair on my back!

SS: Check, please.

GK: You slink back to your car and head back to the office, humiliated, and you tune in the blues station...

Pat Donohue SINGS ON RADIO: I'm so blue that I do not care
Cause the cheese blew up and it
burned my hair


GK: But then — (TR: Hey!) you find a ten-dollar bill stuck down behind the seat— (TR: TENOR) and you decide to go to the car wash and get rid of the dirt and salt and chunks of ice cleaned off your car. You head for the car wash and (SIREN)... (TR: Oh no. My billfold! My license! (STING) (CAR STOPS, BRAKES) The cop takes her time getting out of the car. And then she does the cop walk. (SLOW APPROACH, SHOES ON GRAVEL) Thumbs in the belt. Knees slightly bent. Mirrored sunglasses on her face.

SS: May I see your license and insurance information, please?

TR: Well, actually, officer, I lost my wallet today (VIOLIN HEARTS & FLOWERS).....

GK: And you tell her the whole sad story. And she writes you a ticket.

TR: Two hundred and fifty dollars!????

SS: Have a nice day, sir. (CARS SPEEDING BY).

GK: Cars are going by at ninety miles an hour, cars driven by escaped felons, and does she go after them? No, she has to single you out.

PD: (SINGS) Criminals out there committing larceny
And she has to come after me.

GK: You drive into the car wash (WATER, HIGH PRESSURE) and it's run by young Muslims. (TR ARABIC) and you get on the conveyor moving toward the ten-foot brushes and then you notice — the car wash costs fifteen bucks (

TR: Oh no! stop the wipers! Stop the brushes!) — and you wave to the Muslims to stop the machine as soapy water (FLOOD OF WATER) rushes into your open window and then a Niagara of rinse water (WATER CRASHING, RUSHING IN) and then wax (SPRAY) and then you're dried off (DRYERS). You look pretty good. Shinier than usual.

TR: (ARABIC)

GK: He's rubbing the thumb and forefinger together. He wants his money. You hand him the ten.

TR: (ARABIC)

GK: He wants more money. Other men are walking toward the car. And then you remember — (TR: The Renoir! STING) — You look in the backseat. (TR GASP) There's a lot of paint on the seat, greens and yellows and oranges.

Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of rhubarb pie? Nothing gets the taste of carwax out of your mouth quite like Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.

(THEME)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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