Saturday, February 19, 2005
Garrison Keillor: Immediately after the show, all of our contestants and their families will be taken by helicopter (CHOPPER) three hundred miles north to the Gunflint Trail (BLIZZARD WIND) and the Boundary Waters for a wilderness weekend (WOLF HOWL). The Minnesota timberwolf slipping across the snowdrifts between the tall pines and there we'll cut down a virgin pine (CHAINSAW AND TREE CRACKING AND FALLING AND OWL ALARM) and we'll use it to fire up the sauna (BIG WHOOSH AND HUM) and get the stove red-hot and throw water on it (BIG SIZZLE) and sit and steam ourselves (LOW PANTING) until we can't stand it and then (DOOR CREAKS OPEN) run naked across the ice (FAST FOOTSTEPS IN SNOW) and into the freezing water (DIVE, SCREAM, SPLASH, PANTING) and now we're ready for real adventure with the U.S. Border Patrol (BUGLE) on the front line of defense against the wily and rapacious Canadians (WINDSWEPT WASTE) out of the dark they come, skating (SWIFT SKATING STRIDES) in V-formation and carrying backpacks of generic pharmaceuticals in the campaign to bring socialized medicine to America we'll board one of the Border Patrol's Hummer jet-powered snowmobiles (BIG ENGINE START UP AND TAKE OFF, LIKE JET PLANE, AND FAST PASS) and race through pristine snowscapes at 110 miles per hour (FAST PASS, BIRD FLIES UP IN ALARM) and we'll use the wing-mounted 30 caliber rifles to clear snow off the spruce trees (TWO RIFLE SHOTS, THEN TWO MORE) so we can see clearly lots of endangered species out here, the giant snowy bat (SFX), the snowy gopher (SFX), and the great white ox (SFX) and also the elk (SFX) and caribou (SFX) and moose (SFX) whoa (SNOWMOBILE SLOWS AND STOPS) what is that in the underbrush? Looked like somebody in padded shorts and a jersey and a helmet a Canadian, most likely we'd better turn off the engine. (ENGINE OFF) Walk over this way. (FOOTSTEPS IN SNOW) Nothing there. (WIND) Oh well, we'll just get back in the snowmobile and keep going. (START ATTEMPT) A little more choke. (START ATTEMPT) Funny, she always started up before. (START ATTEMPT) This is a quarter-million-dollar snowmobile, it's got to start. (START ATTEMPT) Wait a minute. (FOOTSTEPS IN SNOW) Lookit here Canadian sabotage. A hockey puck in the tailpipe. (POP, ENGINE REV UP) And we're good to go. (MOTOR REVS) Off across the frozen muskeg, along the trail, at 80 (MOTOR)....110 (MOTOR)....140 (MOTOR).....160 (MOTOR) miles per hour, trees whipping past (SFX), over hills (IMPACT, MOTOR), jumping ravines (MOTOR), down hills (MOTOR), and across the lake look out (TK: Oh no!) ice fishermen look out, look out, look out (SCREAMS IN PASSING) close call (FISH FLOPPING) and now we have a 40-pound lake trout in the cab of the snowmobile (MOTOR REV) he's pressing on the accelerator (MOTOR) we're heading for the cliff (TK PANIC) we're over the cliff (AIR) grab the fish by the tail and swing him around in a circle (ROTOR) there you go, it's like a rotor we're safe now and we slowly descend to earth, here in the North Woods of Minnesota, home of the state fish, the giant fighting walleye, and the moose (SFX) and Minnesota's state bird, the loon (LOON SHIVERING).
Our sound effects guy, Tom Keith.....